Helping Our Children Cope with the Tragedy in Newtown
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This article was contributed by psychologists Michelle Sanders and Karen Bergsman of Scarsdale. The tragedy of the shootings in Newtown, CT has struck a chord with many of us here in Scarsdale. Our communities are strikingly similar. We moved here for the good schools, safe neighborhoods and a solid sense of community. The events in Newtown oppose the natural laws of society where children are not to be harmed and teachers are to be respected. When unexpected tragic events happen, especially involving the murder of children at an elementary school, our initial reaction may be to protect our own children from hearing and talking about these events. In fact, psychological research related to children and trauma indicates that providing information, specific to their development and ages, is important in helping them to cope with frightening and horrific real life events.
When we want to help our children cope with tragedy, it is crucial that we ourselves do a couple of key things to manage our own feelings so that we don't transmit our own complex reactions to our children. Children are especially good at sensing parents' feelings and attitudes and we want to minimize their exposure to our angst. We need to project a sense of calmness, reassurance and competence in our ability to cope with real-life frightening events. As parents, we can be models for our children on how to manage strong emotional reactions to frightening and unexpected events. We should address our own feelings by talking with other adults in our support systems and find private time to express our own grief, sadness, anger and worry.
What to do about the kids:
Listen:
Allow children to tell you what they may have already heard. As difficult as this may be, it allows children an outlet to express some of their feelings and perceptions. It also provides parents an opportunity to clarify myths or rumors. Limit excessive media exposure as much as possible. This is especially difficult due to children's access to the internet and other forms of electronic news. Instead, try to focus on family based discussions. The take home message for children is that there is no right or wrong way to feel and that whatever they feel is "OK" and can be talked about freely.
Inform:
For very young children, up to about four years of age, parents may choose not to discuss the shootings unless the child initiates the topic. If children do bring up the topic, a simple explanation coupled with reassurance should be sufficient. At this age, children not directly related to the trauma will not be able to process a tragedy so far removed from their lives.
For elementary school children, research consistently indicates that children benefit from being told the truth about unexpected, tragic situations. This may seem counterintuitive to parents, but children of this age will likely discuss this among themselves and hear information that may be incomplete, inaccurate or exaggerated. Provide basic, concrete information and be available to answer their questions. We can and should validate the unexpected nature of the shootings as well as the ensuing sadness. It is especially important for adults to avoid becoming overwhelmed by their own emotions in front of their children. It's helpful to have discussions during a non-stressful part of the day.
Middle school children may have strong personal opinions about how and why the shootings happened. Be prepared for children to talk more in depth about the incident. They may also express a desire for specific information. It's important to provide accurate information, although graphic details do not need to be emphasized. Early adolescence is a particularly vulnerable age as children are struggling to make sense of the world and their feelings. Some children may show anger and frustration while others may choose to keep their feelings to themselves.
More than any other group, high school students can grasp the depth and magnitude of the shootings and they are likely to demonstrate a variety of emotions and reactions. Their feelings may vacillate between indifference and intense curiosity. They may express strong feelings of anger and injustice or they may turn their feelings inward and become less verbal. They are also more likely to process their reactions with their peers, however it is especially important for parents to facilitate discussions at home.
Reassure:
For all children, it is important to emphasize that what happened in Newtown is a rare occurrence. Reassure children that schools are safe places and that safety measures are in place to protect them. Discuss the many fun and important activities they do at school and emphasize the many positive aspects of going to school and participating in school activities. Children function best with structure, therefore, routines should be kept as normal as possible. Predictability fosters security.
In the days and weeks to come, parents should continue to observe their children's emotions and behaviors. Significant changes in sleep, appetite, activity level and mood may be indicative of excessive anxiety or emotional distress that should be addressed by a mental health professional.
Michelle Sanders, Psy. D. has a doctorate in Child Clinical Psychology. Karen Bergsman, Psy. D. has a doctorate in Clinical Psychology. They both reside with their families in Scarsdale and together they direct a private practice known as, "Dr. Moms New York". They can be reached directly at 914-509-5439 or via email at DrMomsNY@gmail.com. In addition to individual and group therapy, Drs. Sanders and Bergsman are planning several community based educational seminars related to life stressors and the promotion of healthy and positive individual and family functioning.
League of Women Voters Seeks Students to Attend Albany Conference
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The League of Women Voters of Scarsdale seeks high school students who attend Scarsdale schools or reside in the school district to attend the statewide Students Inside Albany conference from April 14 to 17, 2013. Sponsored by the LWV of New York State Education Foundation, this interactive conference is designed to increase students' awareness of their responsibilities in a representative government and to provide the tools necessary for meeting that responsibility. The conference will bring together high school students from across the state to learn about New York State government and the process by which citizens can participate in the policy-making arena. Students will also tour the Capitol and observe both the Senate and Assembly in action by spending an afternoon shadowing their legislators.
High school sophomores, juniors and seniors are invited to apply. Applicants will be asked to show how they will make the most effective contribution to the conference and benefit most from the experience. Two students will be selected, and all expenses for the conference (including travel and hotel) will be covered by the LWV of New York State and the Scarsdale LWV. The participants will receive a student membership in the LWV of Westchester, which includes an e-mail newsletter and invitations to meetings on government related topics.
For an application or more information, contact Joan Frankle, Scarsdale LWV (914-713-1250 or jagfrankle@aol.com). Application forms are also available at the Scarsdale LWV's website (LWVS.org) and must be received by January 14.
An Exchange Extraordinaire
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The night of October 19, I found myself lugging a heavy pink suitcase up two flights of stairs toward my family's guest room. My French exchange student, along with 24 other students who attend Lycée Paul Cézanne in Aix-en-Provence, France, had arrived that evening via JFK for her two-week stay in Scarsdale. When I signed up for the Scarsdale High School Exchange Program, I, of course, immediately began to predict what my exchange student would look like and what activities we would do together- football, fantasy basketball drafts, Xbox, weight lifting, and much more. What I most definitely would not have guessed was that my French guest would eventually show up sporting a fashionable handbag, a scarf, and makeup. As a result of numbers issues, I had been assigned a girl, making the Exchange that much more interesting and unique for me personally.
When Madame Corten, the department head of the French program at SHS and the director of the French Exchange program, first informed me that I would be hosting a French girl and vice versa, I was shocked. I left school feeling disappointed the day I found out my assignment. I was told that I did not have to host a girl if I felt uncomfortable but that my willingness would be helpful in mending numbers issues. There would be fifteen girls and ten boys coming from France whereas thirteen girls and twelve boys had been selected from Scarsdale. When I told my mom and asked what she thought, she admitted that it would be very different from what we had all expected. My younger sister was thrilled by the idea, and my mom also soon began advocating for me to accept my assignment, realizing that it would be reasonable to assume a girl would be neater around the house than would a boy. She persuaded me that girls are generally more sociable and open, making it easier to connect. Thus, even though I knew hosting a girl would probably mean no Xbox and no football, I decided against changing partners.
Over the weeks leading up to the start of the hosting process, the jokes from friends and family seemed never-ending. I was repeatedly told, "Everything happens for a reason; maybe you'll end up marrying her." Many people simply were dumbfounded, assuming cross-gender pairings for the exchange would not be allowed. To these people, I always reiterated that I was given a choice to switch if my parents or I felt uncomfortable.
During the month of October, Scarsdale High School seemed foreign at certain points. Not in the sense that it was no longer recognizable but rather because the school hallways were filled with foreigners. October kicked off with the Italian and Chinese Exchange programs, then Spanish, followed by French. All four exchanges consist of two weeks hosting in October followed by two weeks spent abroad in February. These exchange programs are offered every other year and are always met with great anticipation. For each exchange, interested students must complete an application, with priority awarded to juniors and seniors. Upon acceptance, students' applications will be used to match them with an exchange student who shares similar interests and hobbies. The exchange student one hosts always reciprocates in February. There is no option of solely partaking in the February part; students who sign up must both host and live abroad. Even though many kids are turned off by the idea of hosting and worry that it will turn into 'babysitting,' I can honestly say from experience that hosting was incredible.
From a linguistics standpoint, hosting was a fantastic opportunity for all fifty students involved in the French 
Exchange program. Simple everyday words I used were sometimes not understandable to my exchange student Florie, who luckily for me, speaks English extremely well, having lived with another American family in Minnesota for a month this past summer. Still, there was plenty for her (and me) to learn. When I got off the phone with my friend one afternoon, she asked me, "What does 'dude' mean?" I found it so amusing that I had not even realized I had called my friend "dude," because some slang words are so much a part of everyday language that we never think twice when using them. Yet, of course, she could not be expected to understand that word, considering in school, proper language is taught, not slang. This sort of difference between what one is taught in school and what people colloquially use was a theme that reappeared quite frequently throughout our fleeting time together. Occasionally, I would say something, and a French student would look at me and say, "We don't say that. That's more like what older people would say." They would acknowledge that what I said was technically correct but that it was just not common usage.
Despite the often-amusing linguistic differences and barriers that existed from time to time, we were all able to get to know each other surprisingly well in a matter of just two weeks. For that first week, the other SHS juniors and I felt like we could put the rigors of junior year on the back burner in an attempt to ensure the French kids would be entertained and effectively exposed to American life. The truth is that the most accurate depiction of our lives would have been to have them watch as we carried out our normal homework routines with little room for spontaneity or mid-week entertainment. Instead, we SHS students were able to successfully manage our workloads while also devoting plenty of time to our French students. On a Wednesday night, a large group of exchange participants went out for a hibachi dinner, because the French students informed us that they had never heard of hibachi before. Everyone ended up having an amazing night, as the French kids sat around the table, eyes wide, amazed by the cooking and fires right in front of us. Florie and her best friends all tried Japanese sodas for the first time. After the meal, our fun continued as I tried to teach some of the French boys how to "Do the John Wall" dance.
When we got home a little after 9pm that night, I wrote on our French Exchange Facebook page, which consists of all 50 students on the trip, "Classic Wednesday Night." Of course, though, that night was anything but common, especially for a group of Scarsdale High School juniors. I will always remember that night, because it was the first time I was finally able to catch a vegetable in my mouth when the hibachi chef lobbed it up toward me and because of the special people, amazing food, and entertaining conversations that culminated in the type of moment that one wants to hold on to dearly for life.
I do not know how well my friends and I would have been able to manage a second week in a row of hosting without buckling down and devoting more time to schoolwork. I am sure we could have and would have, but as things turned out, we did not have to. Although it resulted in a week off, Hurricane Sandy was not the way we had hoped to avoid schoolwork. My family lost power for a grand total of twelve days, five of which while Florie was still here. When I tell people that Hurricane Sandy hit while the French kids were here, they often assume that it must have dramatically affected the exchange for the worse. There is no arguing that there were some negative ramifications, including both the canceling of one planned city trip and extensive power outages. However, the hurricane was an experience that none of us will ever forget. We made a point of ensuring that the French students understood that the hurricane was an anomaly and something completely unlike anything we had ever witnessed before. We also had to make sure that our guests were regularly reporting back to their worried parents in France.
In spite of the difficult circumstances, we were able to do a good job making the most of the opportunity. The night our power went out, we had a family dinner by candlelight and then still using candles, we all played a game of Monopoly. That gave us all the opportunity to learn some new French and English vocabulary respectively though I did have to control my mom who at times tried to teach Florie SAT-level words. The next day, we walked along my street while Florie took pictures of the disaster's shocking results and tremendous effects. One day that week, I had a group of French and American students over for a card tournament even though my house was still out of power. We taught the French kids how to play common American card games and vice versa. So, ultimately, although terrible, the hurricane did allow us all to spend more precious time together, because two weeks really does seem to go by in a heartbeat.
Florie and I spent just fourteen days together, yet so many great experiences and memories were able to come out of such a short period. Her first day in Scarsdale, we went out to Parkway Diner for lunch, and I struggled mightily to explain to her what rye bread looked like. Eventually, I felt the need to ask a waitress to bring out a piece so that Florie could understand. That night, we went to my friend's house, and to our pleasant surprise, Florie turned out to be quite the talented ping-pong player. A few days later, she provided my family and me with an assortment of gifts from France. She brought special chocolates, candies, and a beautiful book containing photographs of the Provence countryside for my parents. She gave my sister a handbag that reads, "Je Suis Une Princesse," while I received a scarf, a French tee shirt, and a hat. When all fifty of us went to the city later that week together to go ice-skating at Rockefeller Center, I wore all the gifts that she had so kindly given me (I was told that I was able to pull of the "French look" quite well). The previous week, French students and their chaperones had spent three days touring Manhattan while we attended classes. They saw such sights as The Empire State Building, Chinatown, the World Trade Center site, the Statue of Liberty, Harlem, Columbia University, and the Museum of Modern Art.
Florie explained to me that in France, people mostly listen to American popular music because the general consensus among her and her friends was that there is not much good French music. One day, we spent hours together going through all of her favorite American songs so that I could explain the lyrics. Now, she will be able to comprehend the lyrics that she sings. During the music explanation sequence, I would sometimes sing the beginning of a song to help her discern whether she already knew it. She would often shake her head no, but when I would played the actual song for her to listen to, she would tell me that she did in fact already know the song. With a smile, she told me, "I just don't recognize because you are singing." Good friends feel comfortable poking fun at one another, and it did not take long for our joking to begin.
As the two weeks began winding down, sadness started to creep in. Knowing we would have to say, 'Au revoir' and not be rejoined with our new French friends until February was weighing on everyone. Florie had only one item that she absolutely had to bring home to her family: Peanut Butter M&M's, because they are not sold where she lives. When packing began, the cache of items the French kids bought became evident. They told me that prices in New York City were much more reasonable than those in Aix. One French Exchange student, Dylan, boarded the bus back to the airport dressed from head to toe in Chicago Bulls gear that he had bought at the NBA store in Manhattan that week.
I, along with all the other SHS students involved, am greatly looking forward to the next part of the trip in February when we will have the opportunity to live in Aix-en-Provence. If it is true that hosting is significantly less fun than is visiting, then the second half of the exchange will be amazing. When all fifty of us met at the bus at SHS to bid the French students a farewell on Saturday November 4th, the waterworks began. We all took pictures together and gave each other final hugs. My sister and I felt as if our "sister" were being taken away from us while my parents felt as if their "daughter" were leaving for good. Many of the American students exchanged our final "la bise" with the French, performing the traditional double-cheek kiss that we had become accustomed to witnessing. When Florie broke down in tears before getting on the bus, I thought to myself, "Job well done, Noah. I guess this means you must have been a good host." This notion of mine has been confirmed, as Florie recently changed her Facebook profile picture to the two of us with the UPenn mascot from the weekend we traveled to Philadelphia to show her what an American college campus looks like. I, along with all the SHS students in the program, cannot wait for the chance to tour Aix-en-Provence and to live in a foreign culture with our new friends.
Noah Klayman is a junior at Scarsdale High School who is looking forward to traveling to France in February, 2013
Christmas Tree Lighting in Scarsdale Village
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The annual tree lighting in Scarsdale Village took place on Friday December 7. The gloomy weather didn't stop the fun as kids lined up for s'mores and hot chocolate supplied by Lange's and to listen to the Hoff Barthelson Christmas Carolers. Once Santa arrived, the tree was lit up and kids were treated to candy canes courtesy of Imagine Candy while they waited to tell Santa what was on their gift lists.
Also on hand were Mayor Miriam Flisser with her husband Harvey, and former Mayor Carolyn Stevens and Lewis Arlt from the Scarsdale Chamber of Commerce who sponsored the event. The tree went live at 5 pm – and the lights are magnificent. Make sure you stop by Scarsdale Village to enjoy it. Parking downtown is free for the holiday season.
After a Scandal, Students Debate Faculty Vetting Process
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With its excellent schools, safe streets, and well-manicured lawns, Scarsdale seems like the last place to be marred by a scandal involving cocaine and prostitution. Yet, last Tuesday, students left classes to find newscasters on campus discussing a former SHS dean, David Mendelowitz, who was accused of participating in exactly these illegal practices. In the wake of his arrest, the topic of Mr. Mendelowitz has become so taboo and sensitive at SHS, that most students, teachers, and deans who were asked to comment on the subject declined because of the district's advice to make no statements. Students were left surprised, angry, and frustrated that they were receiving guidance from a man who has been accused of using cocaine for twenty years on Friday nights, while he was participating in the school's Drug and Task Force Monday through Thursdays.
Ms. Elizabeth M. Guggenheimer, the Scarsdale Board of Education President, said in an email sent out to the district, "many students benefitted from Mr. Mandelowitz's guidance and involvement in school activities." Some students agree that they can look past his crime for a moment to acknowledge the support he gave them in the previous years.
"If people said Dean Mendelowitz was 'weird' or a little 'off' they're lying," said Sarah Sherr an SHS Sophomore. "If you had him as a dean, you would know that he was a great guy."
Another high school junior, who wished to remain anonymous, claimed she felt a special connection to Mendelowitz as a dean. "He still helped all of the students and members of my family regardless of his problem and he did so much good for many students and for Scarsdale as a whole that my views on him do not change at all," she said.
While the debate rages about David Mendelowitz as a person, questions about the vetting process of faculty in a prestigious high school are also being raised.
An anonymous SHS senior expressed uneasiness that the school district, however unknowingly, allowed a claimed habitual cocaine 
user into the school. "I lost a little bit of trust in the selection process of the faculty members in my school. How could these administrators miss such a major flaw in character? This is an excellent district and there is no need for cocaine users to work in Scarsdale," he said.
Freshman Marcus Pompas, however, still trusts the district. "I do feel a little uneasy about the school's selection of teachers, but I still have faith in their choosing of faculty because we have some really great teachers in my school," he said.
Mr. Kenneth Bonamo, the new SHS principal, wants to assure residents the faculty hiring process is thorough and usually very successful. This procedure includes several preliminary rounds of interviews by a committee made up of department members. Administrators, parents, and students join in later rounds to weigh in on the potential teacher. The committee then recommends selected candidates to the district administration, where the final decision is made. In the past, the superintendent has generally accepted the recommendation of the principal. Going forward, Mr. Bonamo believes the Scarsdale community cannot let one person's actions define the school and neighborhood. "What we can do now is what we should try to do every day: be the best people we can be and live up to our ideals. In two months, a year, two years, that's what others will remember about us."
Contributor Isabel Klein is a sophomore at Scarsdale High School where she can be found using an abundant amount of exclamation points, writing for Scarsdale10583 and dreaming about wandering the streets of Manhattan, Africa, and hopefully one day, the moon. Follow her on twitter @isabel_ellis
