UJA Examines Family Relationship/Jansen Hospice Hosts Evening of Remembrance
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UJA-Federation of New York's Westchester Women's Philanthropy explored the complexity of family relationships with Rabbi Lori Koffman at a private home in Larchmont on Thursday, January 22, 2015. Nearly 50 women came together to learn the Jewish perspective on the joys and challenges of being both parents and children. Event chairs included Rickie Broff of Scarsdale, Caren Osten Gerszberg of Larchmont, Nancy Kanterman of Mamaroneck, Susie Schnall of Purchase, Allison Spitalny of Scarsdale, and Amy Tanenbaum of Harrison.
"We have something in common: We share the same values and concerns," said Susie Schnall. "We're Jewish women who care about our families and want to understand and elevate those relationships. And we're here today, coming together under the auspices of UJA-Federation of New York, which means that we also share values that are common to the Jewish community – caring for those in need, ensuring that there is a Jewish community tomorrow, and finding meaning in our heritage and legacy."
Hospice Hosts Evening of Remembrance:
This past December, Jansen Hospice and Palliative Care welcomed family members with a personal connection to Jansen to their annual Celebration of Lights ceremony. It was an evening of remembrance and restoration for all those grieving the loss of loved ones.
The poignant, non-denominational service was hosted at the Reformed Church of Bronxville, and officiated by local clergy members, including Father Gus Badgley of Saint Joseph's Church in Bronxville, Nehemiah Luckett of Asbury Methodist Church in Crestwood, Reverend Cari Patterson of the Reformed Church in Bronxville, and Chaplain Suzanne Graham of Jansen Hospice in Scarsdale. Mr. Luckett performed Jonathan Larson's "Seasons of Love", a song with lyrics that invite retrospection and call for the celebration of life. Reverend Patterson extended comforting sentiments in a heartwarming homily that drew on her background as hospital and nursing home chaplain, as well as her personal experience coping with death and loss. She referred to hospice care in a special way, calling it "a gift" that alleviates worry so friends and family can devote themselves to their beloved and have "meaningful conversation" - something invaluable as hospice patients near the end of their lives, and so often offer advice that "illuminates a path" and "shines light" on how to move forward once they are gone. Towards the end of her homily, Reverend Patterson said, "Though your husband, your wife, your mom, your dad, your grandparent, your co-worker, your friend, maybe even your child—is no longer with you in bodily form, their flame has not gone out, nor has their spirit." This idea was a perfect segway into the candle lighting sequence in which family members lit candles in celebration of the person they loved and lost, with reassurance that their spirit would shine forth forevermore. It was a beautiful end to the night.
After the ceremony, family members enjoyed refreshments and mingled. The chatter among the crowd echoed feelings of thanks to Jansen Hospice for the exceptional care they offer patients, and for continued bereavement services after an emotionally devastating loss. It was a therapeutic experience for many who attended, and the night's theme of looking forward and celebrating life offered encouragement, hope, and healing.
Two Authors to Visit Scarsdale Library
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Helen Perelman, author of the popular Candy Fairies series of fantasy books, will speak at the Scarsdale Public Library on Saturday, January 31, from 2 to 3:30 p.m. The 20 book series takes place in Sugar Valley where the candy fairies have magical adventures. Registration is required on the library website, www.scarsdalelibrary.org.
Luis Montalvan, the award-winning author of “Until Tuesday: A Wounded Warrior and the Golden Retriever Who Saved Him” an inspirational story of a special relationship between a dog and a wounded veteran, will discuss his book at two programs at the Scarsdale Public Library – one for adults and a separate program for children.
The adult program will be held on Sunday, February 1, between 2 and 5 p.m. The program for children will be held on Monday, February 2, between 4 and 5 p.m. Registration is required for the children’s program.
Montalvan’s New York Times best-selling memoir tells the story of Tuesday,
a lovable golden retriever who changed Montalvan’s life. A highly decorated captain in the U.S. Army, Montalvan served two tours of duty in Iraq. After returning home, his physical wounds and crippling post-traumatic stress disorder began to take their toll. He wondered if he would ever recover.
Then he met Tuesday, who was trained to assist the disabled. Tuesday had lived among prisoners and at a home for troubled boys, and found it difficult to trust in or connect with a human being--until Luis. “Until Tuesday” is the story of how two wounded warriors found salvation in each other.
Scarsdale PBA Makes $45,000 Donation
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The Scarsdale Policeman's Benevolent Association presented two checks, each for $22,500 to the Juvenile Diabetes Research Foundation and Navigating the Spectrum (Autism Support) on Wednesday, January 7 at Zachys Wine & Liquor in Scarsdale. The amount which totals $45,000 was raised at the 2014 Scarsdale PBA Golf Classic. This year's Golf Classic will be held October 19, 2015 at Quaker Ridge Golf Club. In attendance: Don Zacharia, Chairman of Zachys Wine & Liquor, Cheryl and David Bunzel of JDRF, Tara Lee, JDRF NYC Development Manager, Betty Crea, Executive Director of Navigating the Spectrum, and Ronnie Arafieg of Scarsdale Policeman's Benevolent Association.
Guru Ron Taffel Offers Tips on Reducing Stress at Home
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Though parents often wish they could reduce the stress level at home and avert conflict with their children, few have effective techniques to make this happen. On Tuesday January 13, Ron Taffel, a leading expert on raising children with less anxiety made a return visit to Scarsdale, sponsored by Scarsdale C.H.I.L.D. and the PT Council. He was greeted at Scarsdale Middle School by a crowd of parents eager to her his talk, "High Anxiety 21st Century Style: Ten Enduring Keys To Lowering your Child's, Your Family's and Your Own Stress from Elementary through High School." He focused on what causes kids to be anxious and what parents can do to lower their children's anxiety levels.
Dr. Taffel solicited most of the ideas on how to help children with anxiety from the community itself, calling on parent after parent for answers about how they deal with anger, anxiety, and indifference in their children. According to Dr. Taffel, several factors may cause child anxiety, but there are actions that we as parents can take to minimize their negative impact. Anxiety inducers for kids are:
- Parental anger and parent-child conflict
- Parents threatening unenforceable consequences for bad behavior
- Forcing kids to talk about their day
- Inauthentic praise (or overpraise)
1. Parent Anger and Parent-Child Conflict:
"When surveyed, guess what kids wanted more than anything from their parents?" Dr.Taffel asked. "The answer is attention. But not just attention, they specifically want undivided attention. They don't want their parents doing 50 other things." This want/need leads to kids not listening to their parents or pleasing them. One audience member brought up having to ask her kids numerous times to perform simple tasks. Dr. Taffel noted, "You get into competitive dances with your kids and they tune us out because of it. What goes on in the first 30 seconds of the dance decides the dance."
His way of combatting this frustration is writing down what happened, the he-said, she-said of the situation and working to stop the negative interaction as it's occurring. Some parents also raised their hands and added comments about their own experiences. One mom said, "I turn on music to stop the interaction." Another mom said, "I leave the room." Still another claimed that saying "I love you" repetitively worked well with her daughter. Another said she makes a joke and that alleviates the tension.
"Tone is also very important," cautioned Dr.Taffel. "Many kids are tone sensitive. Listen to how you're saying something to them and try changing your tone to see if that helps." He also suggested starting sentences with "I" versus "you." "It puts them immediately on the defensive, and the research is very solid around this idea. Using 'I' makes a person more accessible. If you want to break through to your child, you MUST hold back, stop the interaction, and calm yourself down." One last parent raised her hand and said that deep breathing works for her when she feels angry or upset with her kids, and Dr. Taffel agreed that there is scientific evidence to show that deep breaths work to calm people down.
He recommended that at the end of a particularly contentious day, it's a good idea to find a quiet moment to ask your child how they can do things differently tomorrow. "It gets kids to think about their problems and helps lessen their anxiety when they've done something they know is wrong."
2. Parents Threatening Consequences That are Not Enforceable:
When we threaten a consequence we can't follow up on either because it's too extreme, not possible, or we just won't do it, it can actually make a child more anxious and backfire on the parent. "When we're angry," Dr. Taffel lectured, "threats pop out of our mouths. Before you threaten something, bring it down by a third or a quarter. After everyone has calmed down, come back to the child and explain it to them." This makes kids feel calmer and teaches them that they have thoughtful, reflective parents and hopefully they will learn this in turn.
3. Forcing Kids to Talk About Their Day
How do you get your withdrawn child to open up and start talking about their day? Dr. Taffel posed the question to the audience, "When was the last time you had a great conversation with your kids?" Answers included right before bed, driving in the car, eating dinner, while playing with toys, and while baking. "Try to notice when your child opens up," Dr. Taffel said, "and build a ritual around this, even if it's only for five minutes a day. Kids usually talk the most while they're doing other things. Don't grill your kids with questions at dinner and don't ask big, vague questions like 'how was school?'" Instead, he proposed asking about the day in a more specific manner. For example, learn when your child has art class and on that day, ask what he did at art. If Friday is a spelling test, check in on how the test went.
"Another great way to get kids to talk," he recommended, "is to talk about your self. I can virtually guarantee your kids will interrupt and want to talk about their selves the more you talk about your own day." A great time to relate to your kids is at bedtime. Kids love hearing personal stories so when you think they are age appropriate, Dr. Taffel advocated starting to tell stories about your own childhood little pieces at a time. Lastly, he recommended a set of books that he has found helpful for kids at bedtime by Maureen Garth called Meditations for Children. He called the stories "soothing but entertaining."
4. Inauthentic Praise (or Overpraising)
Most of us have heard this before, but Dr. Taffel reminded the audience not to use praise unless a child is deserving of it. "The more you praise when it's undeserved, the less your kids will want to do and the more lazy they'll become; it ultimately hurts their self esteem," he cautioned. You should praise your child, but it should be authentic and realistic. "It's not about building self esteem...it's about building trust," he said. "Parents shouldn't praise what kids DO. They should praise the effort involved to overcome their own difficulties." He added, "there is such power in the proper use of praise and works better than any form of punishment if used in the right way." Learning to praise a child properly (for effort, not product) is one way that you can significantly reduce your child's anxiety level.
Dr. Ron Taffel, PhD, has been a contributing editor at Parents Magazine for several years and writes well-received columns about relationships and child rearing. He has authored five mainstream books and two professional books including Childhood Unbound, The Second Family, Nurturing Good Children Now, Parenting By Heart, and When Parents Disagree and What You Can Do About It. He can be reached about specific issues at www.rontaffel.com.
Library News: Speakers, Discussions and the Spelling Bee
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The Scarsdale Library will host some interesting speakers and discussions this month. Here are just a few of the events for December. Also – the Friends of the Scarsdale Library Spelling Bee will be held on January 23, 2015. The deadline for teens or adults to enter iis December 15th. Please see details below.
Naval Historian to Discuss Contrarian Interpretation of World War II in the Pacific
It was a "Day of Infamy," that started a "Clash of Civilizations" as many theorized after December 7, 1941. Scarsdale resident Walt Johanson, who served in the Navy and helped plan "Operation Desert Storm" in 1990 has a different view.
Johanson will discuss his contrarian viewpoint in the context of the conflicts the U.S. faces today at the Scarsdale Public Library on Monday, December 8, at 7:30 p.m. Johanson believes that viewing the war as a clash of civilizations goes contrary to an analysis of the deep-rooted causes of the war in the Pacific and that thinking has contributed to the "failed policies" of today.
Johanson retired from the Navy in 1995 after a 30-year career in that service and the Marine Corps Reserves. He was an analyst at the Navy War College and wrote a history of the naval reserve. After retiring from the Navy he has taught in Mount Vernon and at the City College of New York, Iona College and Mercy College.
Black Holes and the Evolution of the Universe:
Meg Urry, the chair of the Physics Department at Yale will speak at the library on Tuesday night December 9th at 7:30 pm. She is an engaging lecturer and will present a great astrophysics slide show. Urry has been a leading promoter of women seeking careers in science and has been written up in the NY Times. The event is sponsored by the Yale Westchester Alumni Association Speakers Program. The public is invited and the event is free. For more information and to register, click here. 
Nancy's Book Group to Discuss "The Rise and Fall of Great Powers"
Nancy's Book Group, led by Nancy Zachary, will discuss "The Rise and Fall of Great Powers" by Tom 
Rachman at the Scarsdale Public Library on Wednesday, December 17, at 1 p.m., with an evening session at 7:30 p.m. The New York Times described the work as "ingenious."
The novel focuses on Tooly Zylberberg, who as child led a peripatetic existence. Left to her own devices much of the time, it seemed inevitable that Tooly would fall in with a ragtag group of ex-pats who took her under their collective wing. The novel spans the last 30 years in this tale of a rocky road to adulthood. Over the course of flashbacks and fast-forward escapades, Tooly gradually pieces together the jigsaw of her unconventional life to confront a complete picture that isn't always comforting.
Registration is required at the library's main desk or by calling 722-1300.
Sign Up for the Spelling Bee!
Time is running out to sign up to participate in the fifth annual Friends of the Scarsdale Library Adult and Teen Spelling Bee. Teams of up to three individuals compete for prizes and recognition as the community's premier spellers. Spots are filling quickly, and the entry deadline is December 15th. Application forms are available at the Library or online at http://www.scarsdalelibrary.org/friends. Returning teams are looking for competition from challengers, who must be in high school and/or adults. The competition promises to be keen, with audience members spelling along quietly or cheering for their favorite team to win the grand prize, a set of Bose TrueSound headphones.
Besides the etymological main event, the evening's fun will include raffles and a silent auction. Notable auction items this year include an eight-week SAT prep course offered by TestTakers and valued at $1995, and a painter for a day, provided by A.G. Williams Painting Company, Inc., and valued at $600.
The Spelling Bee will take place on Friday, January 23rd at 7:30 PM in the Scarsdale High School Auditorium. Proceeds from the Spelling Bee will be used to fund a high-level speaker series, bringing quality programming to Scarsdale and making the library the intellectual hub of the community.
For more information, contact co-chairs Renu Lalwani at 917-584-8834 or renublalwani@gmail.com or Carolyn Mehta at 914 584-5903 or kamncar@aol.com.
