Pornography for Mommies
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Let me get one thing straight here, oh Moms In Desperate Need of Erotica: I am not joking. This is not about getting hot and bothered by watching your husband clean the kitchen. It’s not even about getting turned on by hiring a sexy electrician to boss around your kitchen.
I have done both of these things in the name of love, but I no longer need to, thanks to E. L. James and her erotic romance novel, 50 Shades of Grey.
I heard about this book from a friend, who spoke in hushed tones over the tops of her children’s heads as we waited in line for tables one Sunday at the local diner. That’s how you know a book is really dirty, by the way, because of the hushed tones. That’s how I found out about Judy Blume and Francine Pascal and V. C. Andrews, the holy trinity of early 1980’s soft porn. Granted, I was 11 at the time, and I didn’t know squat about sex, so I thought reading about it was amazing. I turned down pages where Something Happened (He put his hand into her pants! Shit, he’s her brother!) and re-read them over and over, just enjoying the feelings these words created in me.
“Everyone in Armonk is reading 50 Shades of Grey,” my friend Karen insisted, her hushed tones becoming less hush and more hysterical. “Moms are forgetting to pick up their kids at school! You can’t even get it! It’s sold out at bookstores everywhere!”
Since when are there bookstores everywhere, I wondered? I haven’t seen one for two years. This book is making people cookoo for cocoa puffs. And it’s not like this is the first time erotica has infiltrated the suburbs. What about Anne Rice’s Sleeping Beauty series? Or Blume’s Wifey? Or every Harlequin Romance since the beginning of Fabio?
And, since when is the phrase “everyone in Armonk” an endorsement for anything, except perhaps…Armonk?
So, naturally, after leaving the diner, I downloaded the book on my Kindle and began having virtual sex in under a minute.
(That’s an exaggeration because it doesn’t really get good until 20% in. But after that, the sex doesn’t stop. Sorry about the ridiculous Kindle math – I have no idea what this equals in realtime pages.)
Is the book cheesy and awful? Yes. In order to get to the good stuff, you will have to sit through a British author who sometimes forgets her characters are American (“marquee,” by the way, means “tent”) and who likes her adjectives in triplicate, since the author couldn’t trust us (or herself) to think we could picture the image with only one descriptor. Therefore, Grey’s personal office is “palatial, swanky, sterile,” while the rest of the office space is “cold, clean AND clinical.” (Now that I’ve pointed this out, it’s going to drive you crazy.) And I’ve never read about a character that moves his features quite so much. In one scene alone, Grey’s mouth “quirks up,” “his lips curl in a wry smile,” and “a ghost of a smile touches his lips.” His grey eyes “alight with curiosity” or turn “dark” and “distant” within seconds.
As one would expect from a good romp, there’s a lot of overtly suggestive writing to laugh at. I mean, this guy “cocks his head” five times in the first few scenes of the book. Gee, I wonder what that means? Oh, naturally, that he’ll end up showing us his penis! (Excuse me, I mean his “impressive length.”) Duh. And, for the record, Christian Grey has the longest index finger of any character in the history of literature. It starts out as a “long-fingered” handshake when they meet, but follow it as you read, because eventually, that long finger is literally everywhere. And you will admire him all the more for it.
What is Anastasia doing in this pre-sex dance of theirs? “Squirming uncomfortably under his penetrating gaze,” of course. And tripping, and blushing nonstop. It’s hard not to blush when a man (hot, long-fingered, or otherwise) says, “first I’m going to spank you and then I’m going to have my way with you.” Oh, sorry. Did I give too much away?
Here’s the fun (funny? strange? uncomfortable to admit?) part: when you put the book down, you will actually want to have sex with your husband. Like, a lot.
After 13 years of marriage, it’s a damned revelation.
“Matt’s exhausted,” my friend, Sarah, told me.
“Jim’s excited that there’s a sequel!” another friend said.
“It’s actually a trilogy,” Sarah said, slightly awe-struck. With over 900 pages of E. L. James on our bedside tables, we could all be having sex with our husbands…indefinitely.
“Jeff and I are going away this weekend – should I bring this book?” Amy asked.
“Yes!” We told her.
Yes, I tell you. Yes, and yes, and oh, baby, yes.
Columnist and blogger Julie Gerstenblatt writes with humor and candor about her life in Scarsdale, her friends and family, and the particular demands of motherhood and wifedom in modern-day suburbia.
It's Bee Season at the Scarsdale Library - Sign up today!
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There is still time for your team to sign up and join in the fun at the Second Annual Scarsdale Public Library Adult and Teen Spelling Bee on Friday, January 27 at 7:30pm, at the Scarsdale High School auditorium.
Proceeds from this year’s Spelling Bee, which is sponsored by the Friends of the Scarsdale Library, are slated toward enlivening the Library’s Children's Room with brighter lighting and colorful, durable carpeting that will help to create a warmer, more comfortable environment for both children and their parents
The donations from last year’s Bee plus a grant from the Friends of the Library have enabled the Library to complete the technology upgrades to the community room. Library patrons are now enjoying wifi and by January they will benefit from a new projector, large screen, and surround sound. Adults and children who attend film programs at the Library will now enjoy amazingly vivid movies and wonderful sound. This upgrade will also greatly enhance the many programs held in the room by community organizations, the Scarsdale Adult School, as well as the Library itself. The new equipment includes wireless microphones so presenters can move freely around the stage and the room, and a remote control so Power Point presentations and video clips can be controlled from the podium.
The current roster of teams includes teens from the Library's Teen Advisory Board and from the Scarsdale Teen Center board as well as both new and 
returning adult teams. Library Board President Barbara Josselsohn will compete against her daughter Rachel, while three generations of Guggenheimers (Randy, Randy Jr. and Brian) will once again compete as a team. However, there is still time for your team to sign up and join in the fun.
The deadline for teams to sign up is December 31, 2011. Each team may consist of up to three members, high-school age or above, and pays an entry fee of $150. Throughout the Spelling Bee, the members of each team can collaborate among themselves on how to spell the words. Each team will write its answer on a dry erase board until the final round, when the top teams will spell their words verbally.
Businesses and individuals who are interested in sponsoring the Bee by making a donation of $250 or more should contact Sara Werder at 472-6264. In addition, this year we are also offering the opportunity to become a “Friend of a Bee” by sending in a donation of any amount. You can go to the Library website (www.scarsdalelibrary.org) to print out a donation form.
Application forms for Spelling Bee teams are available at the Library or online at www.scarsdalelibrary.org/friends. For more information, contact Spelling Bee Chairs Renu Lalwani at 917-584-8834 (renublalwani@gmail.com) or Sara Werder at 472-6264 (sarawerder@gmail.com).
Sunday Speaker Series with Federic Paul Smloer
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Fredric Paul Smoler, the Adda Bozeman Professor of International Relations at Sarah Lawrence College will discuss “The Rise and Fall of Great Powers: America and the 21st Century,” at the first Scarsdale Forum Sunday Speaker Series program of 2011-12. The event will be held on Sunday October 16 at three o’clock at the Scarsdale Woman’s Club and it is free and open to the public.
Professor Smoler is a prolific writer and for nearly a decade served as a contributing editor to American Heritage Magazine. His interests are wide ranging and include foreign and military policy, immigration, multiculturalism and the lessons of economic history. A graduate of Scarsdale High School, Smoler returns to his former community for what promises to be a lively discussion. All are welcome.
The audience will have an opportunity to meet with Professor Smoler after his talk.
The Sunday Speaker Series programs are underwritten in part by a generous grant from the Irving J. Sloan Education Fund, made possible by the Liz Claiborne-Arthur Ortenberg Foundation.
For more information, visit www.ScarsdaleForum.com, call 914-723-2829 or e-mail office@scarsdaleforum.com.
Announcing the Second Annual Spelling Bee
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The Friends of the Scarsdale Library has announced their second annual Adult and Teen Spelling Bee to be held in the Scarsdale High School auditorium on January 27, 2012 at 7:30pm. While “silence and tension” are the hallmarks of children’s spelling bees, this Spelling Bee will encourage all participants to laugh, relax and have fun. The audience will be entertained by trivia questions, music, and emcee Ed Coleman, the radio voice of the New York Mets.
"The adult spelling bee was a real Scarsdale happening, and I expect will be even better attended this year since the word is out that it's the place to be,” said Lucas Meyer, a member of last year’s “Hip to Bee Square” team. “ I'm hoping that I once again am asked to spell "hieroglyphic", because after flubbing it in the first round of the finals last year, I'll never again forget that it's "h-i-e" and not "h-e-i"!
The "Bee Cause" team, composed of Emily Sherwood, Sharon Lindsay and Beverely Sved, will also be competing again. “Having recovered from last year's humiliation--we got tossed out during the first round--we hope to prove that we are not DUMBBELLS--the word that got us--, said Sved.
People of all ages are participating in this fun-filled event. Many businesses have already pledged to sponsor. Funds from last year’s Bee will be used for technology upgrades to the Library's community room, including wi-fi, a new projector and screen, additional microphones, and a blu-ray player.
The deadline for teams to sign up is December 31, 2011. Each team may consist of up to three members, high-school age or above, and pays an entry fee of $150. Throughout the Spelling Bee, the members of each team can collaborate among themselves on how to spell the words. Each team will write its answer on a dry erase board until the final round, when the top teams will spell their words verbally.
Application forms for Spelling Bee teams are available at the Library or online at www.scarsdalelibrary.org/friends. For more information, contact Spelling Bee Chairs Renu Lalwani at 917-584-8834 (renublalwani@gmail.com) or Sara Werder at 472-6264 (sarawerder@gmail.com)
Scarsdale Library 60th Birthday Celebration
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The Scarsdale Library opened its doors in 1951 and will celebrate its 60th birthday on September 25 at noon. Festivities will include arts and crafts, games and story time for children as well as a look at the history of the library, which was twenty years in the making. The original Scarsdale Library opened in 1925 at Scarsdale High School, was moved to Wayside Cottage in 1928 and relocated into its new building in 1951, after the Depression, a World War and lots of fundraising to secure donations to finance the construction. On display at the library on September 25 will be historical documents and photos that shed light on the challenges the community faced in building this new resource.
The community is invited to celebrate on September 25th at noon at The Scarsdale Library at 54 Olmstead Road.
Here is a history of how the library in its current form came to be:
In 1925, Scarsdale residents John W. and Mary F. Dickinson gave 2,500 books to start a library and a $10,000 trust fund to
maintain them. The library was housed at Scarsdale High School. On February 28, 1928, the Village Board voted to establish the Scarsdale Public Library; two months later, it secured the right to assess a tax for library equipment and maintenance. On April 26, 1928, the Regents of the State of New York granted a charter incorporating the Library. The library opened at Wayside Cottage on October 28, 1928 at which time 100 residents raised $15,000 for services, materials and equipment.
In 1944 the Village Board endorsed the Town Club’s recommendation of a library site in the 11 acre Harwood Park north of the high school. It was agreed that part of the funds would be raised by public subscription; to this end the Friends of the Scarsdale Library was formed in May 1946. The Village set up a reserve fund for public buildings. The new library was its first project, but construction was not authorized until 1950.
The new building opened on September 30, 1951. The total cost was $316,900, of which the Village paid $207,303. Contributions accounted for the remainder, and included gifts from the Friends of the Library, the Junior League, the War Memorial Fund, and remaining funds from the Dickinson donation.
Twenty years later, it was determined that an addition was needed due to increases in the population of the Village, the number of cardholders and the size of the collection. A new wing, containing an additional 7,800 square feet, would increase the original size of the building of 11,700 square feet by 50%. The total cost of the addition, exclusive of a program room, was estimated at $775,000. On February 5, 1973, Scarsdale voters approved an $800,000 bond issue to be paid off in 20 years. The $180,000 cost of the program room was given impetus by the generous initial gift of the S. Spenser Scott family. Additional financial support came from the Scarsdale Foundation, the Friends of the Scarsdale Library and other Village organizations. In addition, over 300 individuals donated money to the project. Funding for a local history alcove came from the family of John K. Starkweather. The new addition was opened on June 22, 1975.
In 1981, a gift of $12,500 was given by George Jaffin to construct a conference room in the main part of the library.
In 1995, the Children’s Room was renovated, funded by a gift of $100,000 from Alfred and Luella Slaner. The room was named the Finney Children’s Room, in honor of Eleanor and Burnham Finney, long time volunteers on behalf of the library.
The main reading room, part of the 1975 addition, had been designed to include a mezzanine; however, it was not built at that time. In 1998, the mezzanine was added to the library, using a gift from Luella Slaner of $900.000. The original architect of the 1975 addition designed the project.
In 2007, the Reference Room was renovated, using a gift of $300,000 from the Virginia and Leonard Marx Foundation.
