Survey Results: Play Dates and Gun Safety
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The right to bear arms is protected in the second amendment of the U.S. Constitution. Though we don't like to think about it, it turns out that many of our neighbors have exercised this right to keep guns in their own homes. A map showing how many people in Scarsdale have applied for pistol permits was published in the Journal News in 2012. Many of us remember that Scarsdale, as well as neighboring towns, had a surprising number of red dots on the map indicating addresses where a pistol permit had been obtained.
According to the Brady Campaign to Prevent Gun Violence, 1 in 3 homes with kids have a gun nationwide and about ½ of these are unlocked. In 2010, 116 children (0-19 years) were killed by guns in New York State and 389 were injured non-fatally in 2011. Half of all unintentional shooting deaths of kids occur when kids are playing with a loaded gun in their home.
Child Access Prevention (CAP) laws impose criminal liability on adults who allow children unsupervised access to firearms. Since this law passed in some areas, the incidence of gun-related injuries and deaths has decreased by nearly 25%. The National Rifle Association (NRA), opposed the CAP laws and developed a cartoon character called Eddie Eagle in an effort to teach kids what to do if they find a gun, thereby attempting to prevent accidents: "Stop. Don't touch. Run away. Tell a grown up". The NRA acknowledges that parents may make a mistake and leave a gun unattended. Whereas the NRA puts the onus on the child to do the right thing, CAP policy puts the onus on the adult to ensure that guns are safely stored.
When kids were asked if they know where a parent hides a gun most do know, yet most parents who are asked this same question think the kids do not know where it's hidden. The ASK campaign (Asking Saves Kids) aims to teach parents the value of asking, when your child is going to someone's house, if guns are kept locked and unloaded for safety reasons. Over 19 million people have pledged to begin asking this question.
I grew interested in this topic when I realized that I might be dropping my children off for play dates at homes with loaded guns. It's an important issue that people rarely discuss. Before leaving our kids in someone else's care, we often ask about booster seats in cars, what will be served for snack and who will be supervising the children. But we seldom ask questions about guns that could be far more lethal than sugar, and can change lives in an instant. We found that only 3 out of 99 respondents had ever been asked a question about gun in their homes by another parent. Are you comfortable asking about safety measures taken if guns are kept in a house and answering similar questions about guns you may keep in your own home?
To learn more about how local parents deal with the potential presence of guns, I conducted my own local survey and received anonymous answers. Here are the results I received from 100 respondents:
Question:
Have you talked to your kids about gun safety?
Response:
46% said yes, 54% said no.
Question:
If yes, at what age did you talk to your kids about gun safety?
Response:
3-5 21%
6-8 26%
9-12 14%
13+ 6%
n/a 45%
Question:
Have you ever been asked the question when you've had a play date come to your home: "If you keep a gun in your home, do you keep it locked up and unloaded?"
Response:
Only 3 out of 99 people said yes, they have been asked that question.
Question:
Have you ever asked that same question yourself: "If you keep a gun in your home do you keep it locked up and unloaded?"
Response:
More people have asked this question themselves than have been asked.
16% of people said yes and 84% of respondents said no.
Question:
Are you comfortable being asked the above question?
Response:
91% said yes, only 9% said no.
Question:
Are you comfortable asking the above question?
Response:
49% said yes and 51% said no.
Many people left comments on the survey. Here are some that I found interesting:
"I also don't ask about other more likely dangers"
"Somehow I feel that guns aren't likely to be owned by private citizens in this area so I haven't asked. Would anyone admit to owning a non-locked up gun though?"
"Nonsense "survey" designed to create fear and loathing for firearms."
"I never would have asked these questions until the map of gun permit holders was published a few years ago. I was shocked by the number of Scarsdale residents with weapons permits. Since then, if my children were still of playdate age, I would as."
"Anyone that keeps a gun locked up will not leave it unloaded. "
"Never occurred to ask"
"It is too politically charged (no pun intended)"
"I never thought about it. Maybe I should."
"This is a topic that is almost never discussed amongst parents. Sorely needs more awareness."
"I wish we all felt more comfortable asking this of each other before play dates."
"I was asked this once and initially I was insulted and felt like the mom was crazy. But the more I think about it now, the less crazy it seems."
"I have thought about asking the gun question but am leery of offending other families and being labeled 'that weird mom who thinks we may have a gun'. And this is even though I once worked at a magazine that did a major feature on guns and kids. I was in charge of opening reader mail in response to the story. Once I opened an envelope and out fell a photo of an adorable red headed girl with freckles and a crooked smile. The accompanying note said This was my daughter. She cut class for the first time and went to a friend's house. The friend was showing her his father's gun when it accidentally went off and killed her. The social pressure not to ask about guns is sadly even stronger than the memory of that terrible, sad letter. "
"I support the second amendment and believe we have the right to own firearms. However, given the completely inappropriate publication of names of handgun licensees by the Journal and the public harassment of conservatives, second Amendment supporters and gun owners, I would not reveal my political positions or my gun ownership or lack thereof to another parent. Given that most people here have drunk the left wing Kool-Aid I would be frankly shocked if any of my kids' friends' families had a gun. In fact, among the ones with whom I've discussed this issue, I'm the only one who even supports gun rights. The only people I know who own guns live out of state. It is also incredibly difficult to own a handgun in NY - the process is onerous. So, while this is a relevant issue, I think you are making mountains out of molehills in our little enclave. A better place to start might be an anonymous survey to see how many in Scarsdale actually own firearms."
"I feel safer knowing that a parent is able to protect my child in the event of some horrific crazed addict or burglar...gun owners who are licensed are much safer about gun safety...it is unlicensed criminals that cause issues."
"I was asked this question once about 7 years ago and I remember being shocked by then thinking 'How smart!' Thank you for this survey- we should all start asking this important question."
I decided to ask the question myself for the first time when my son was invited to play at a new friend's house where I did not know the parents. Prior to dropping off my son I emailed the mom to answer her question about whether my son had any food allergies. I then asked, "Just wanted to ask one safety question that's important to me... If ou keep a gun in the house, do you keep it locked and unloaded?" She wrote back immediately that they actually don't even own a gun. I then explained why I was asking and breathed a sigh of relief. I was surprised at how uncomfortable the question was for me to ask."
"I followed up with her for this article and asked the mom if she was taken aback by the question and what her honest impression was of me asking it. She said, "I was not taken aback only because I had a parent ask me that question before. I remember at that time being somewhat shocked by the question at first and having to think through my reaction as to why I felt so shocked. As a family we don't carry guns, we also don't promote the idea of people owning guns. I think my initial reaction came from a defensive place. Then I realized that it was in fact a very mature and responsible question to ask. You are allowing your child into my home. You are entrusting us with his care. It is your right as his mother to ask whatever questions you want regarding his safety and as his 'caretaker' I should be willing to answer those questions without being defensive or taking offense. In my opinion it's good parenting. When you asked I had already thought through all of this and I was more than happy to answer. When kids are on play dates it's instinctual for them to want to impress their friends. It's during moments like those that kids can and will try and access those things that they know they shouldn't be near."
I also asked whether she would ask the same question. She answered, "It's not something I would have considered before now, but if I felt like I needed to ask that question I wouldn't shy away from it. We live in a time where a lot of people keep guns in their homes. Not everyone is responsible in ensuring they are properly locked away as we have seen in too many news reports. Asking the question if you own a gun and if it's properly locked away is no different than asking if your pool has a fence or if your yard has a gate or if you make the kids wear helmets when they ride scooters or bikes. My honest thoughts are if it's your kid (my kid) you as a parent have the responsibility to ask those questions. As a parent looking after your child I should be happy to offer up that information to you. It's better to ask the awkward questions than live a lifetime of regret."
June 21st is National ASK Day (Asking Saves Kids) to raise awareness about guns and kids. They encourage all parents to ask, "Is there an unlocked gun in your house?" before dropping their children off to play.
Will you ask this important question to parents in your neighborhood? What are your thoughts on this issue?
The Best Lunch of the Year
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The Greenacres PTA hosted its annual Multicultural Lunch on April 12. Parents contributed and served a wide array of foods representing Africa, Asia, Europe, North America, the Caribbean, Latin America, Oceania, Australia, and New Zealand. The more than 75 delicious dishes and 
desserts included jolloff rice, sweet noodle kugel, samosas, udon noodles, sushi, crepes, spanakopita, matzah balls, lasagna, Irish soda bread, scones with jam, corn bread, mini hot dogs, plantains, arroz con pollo, fairy bread, macaroons and Icelandic pancakes. The festive luncheon is a much-loved occasion for students, faculty and staff. When asked what his favorite thing at the luncheon was, kindergarten student Charlie I replied "everything!" Another boy was overheard telling his buddy, "This is the best lunch of the year."
Is School Related Stress Making our Kids Sick? Vicki Abeles at the Podium in Scarsdale
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A well-attended talk by Vicki Abeles at the Scarsdale Middle School on Wednesday, April 6 has gotten parents, teachers and school administrators talking.
Ms. Abeles, an ex-Wall Street lawyer and mother of 3, is now well known as an author and documentary film producer. Her topic of expertise? The current state of our education system and the impact it is having on students. She produced the 2007 film "Race to Nowhere" and more recently the film "Beyond Measure" that portrays our schools as pressure cookers that are actually making our kids sick. "Beyond Measure" is also a published book. The films were creatively distributed at the community level.
She began her presentation by describing a day in the life of a student: Wake up early to finish school work, get to school by 7-8 AM, attend school for 7 hours, head to tutor/sports/clubs/religious school/band rehearsals after school, eat dinner, begin school work around 8 PM. Before formulating her position she visited hundreds of schools where she witnessed extreme anxiety among students. She met students who had somatic conditions as young as 6, cutting behaviors, sleep deprivation, anxiety, and students who were suicidal. She was quick to point out that stress and pressure crosses socioeconomic barriers using as an example a kid from an impoverished area who could be the first in the family to do well enough in school to receive a scholarship to college. Ms. Abeles said, "Many parents think kids need to work extremely hard because they're paying their dues until college. But the achievement race isn't allowing children to thrive; it's actually doing the opposite. We aren't teaching kids how to become good at something other than getting good grades," she continued. "They're good at doing school, but not at taking risks." She also spoke about the student perspective of feeling that they're constantly being measured and graded.
Ms. Abeles presented and defended her view and presented data to demonstration that the "drive for success" is making kids sick by inducing unprecedented stress; this stress, she claimed, is leading to high levels of anxiety and depression. She referenced Dr. Stuart Slavin, a medical professor from St. Louis, who spoke to a Scarsdale audience last week. "We are conducting an enormous experiment on our entire American student population," she quoted him as saying. He said that medical students had severe depression and anxiety to the tune of 50% and 80% respectively. However, when he implemented certain interventions like a half day off a week and pass/fail for certain courses, depression and anxiety decreased and board scores actually increased.
She quoted the CDC saying "...teens get two hours less sleep per night than they need, on average." The American Psychological Association reported that nearly 1 in 3 teenagers said that stress made them sad or depressed and that the number one source of their stress was school.
It is interesting to note that schoolwork was not cited as the source of stress and Abeles did not consider social stress and social media that can also make teens anxious. Furthermore, when I read the APA article, I found that Ms. Abeles left out other information in the study, namely that teens who reported high stress during the past school year also said they spend an average of 3.2 hours a day online compared with less than 2 hours among those reporting low levels of stress.
Ms. Abeles spent the next half of the session with a call to action. She named those who are responsible for the "crisis" we are experiencing in schools: helicopter parents, unreasonable parents, school administrators, college admissions officers, the media and even congress. "The real answer is our collective culture," she said, "and we all play a role in this. So we can all play a role in changing this."
Abeles recommends the following to make kids happy, healthy and engaged in learning:
- Prioritize wellness, create an education task force, have community nights off, change graduation requirements, reinvent the high school transcript
- Recalibrate time: safeguard time outside of school hours, later start times, reduced homework, upgraded seminars driven by student interest, block schedule
- Transform learning- make it personalized and experiential, blend across subjects
What can parents do to help?
Ms. Abeles would like to see parents take a more relaxed approach to school and the college admissions process.
What can educators do to help?
Ms. Abeles advises emphasizing curiosity and exploration over test prep, limiting/abolishing tests and other number driven evaluations, limiting/abolishing homework starting with weekends and vacations, and limiting work that gets graded and encouraging iteration, editing, or prototyping instead.
The Scarsdale crowd was asked, "If you had a magic wand, what would you change about your school?" Here were some of the responses:
"I'd like to see more self direction in terms of what's studied."
"I'd like to see the homework issue addressed, especially on the weekends. Social relationships shouldn't be put to the side because of homework."
"I would have elementary school start earlier and high school start later because of natural sleep patterns."
"I would like to see fewer tests and quizzes given. They create a lot of stress."
"I want more down time and more time in nature and for play. Also, the opportunity to let our kids make mistakes."
"Kids are bombarded with grades as of middle school- 6th grade."
"Stop rankings of schools. It just drives the competition and gives a lot of mixed messages. There is no best high school. This is a big contributor to the stress we feel as parents."
"Assignments can be more efficient rather than just busywork."
"I'd like to see the drug use issue addressed. I recently graduated from Scarsdale High School and I can tell you that there ARE drugs here. And there's no acknowledgment of it."
"Open art studios in schools."
Overall, homework was the number one thing parents wanted changed in the Scarsdale schools.
Ms. Abeles closed her talk by saying, "Your kids deserve a childhood. You have a responsibility to take action. We are stealing their childhoods from them as well as their futures."
To catch the film, click here:
To purchase the book, click here:
Guns and Play Dates: Take Our Survey
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- Written by Stacie M. Waldman
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Before you drop your child off at a play date, do you ask a few questions to ensure their safety? Parents have learned to ask others parents questions like, "Do you have a booster seat in your car?" and "Does your child have any food allergies?"
The ASK (Asking Saves Kids) campaign aims to teach parents how to ask another very important question: If you keep a gun in your house, is it safely stored (locked and unloaded)? Every day, there are accidental shootings in this country where there are more firearms owned by private citizens than there are citizens.
- 1 in 3 homes have guns.
- 3 in 4 children ages 5-14 know where guns are kept in the home.
- 80% of unintentional deaths from firearms of kids under the age of 15 occur in a home
Would you ever ask this question or have you already asked it? Please take our quick 5 question survey so we can see where people in Scarsdale stand on this issue. Your answers are anonymous.
https://www.surveymonkey.com/r/38ZRNTK
Making a Killing: Guns, Greed and the NRA
Also on the subject of guns, the Interfaith Coalition Against Gun Violence will be screening the movie Making a Killing Guns, Greed and the NRA on Wednesday May 4th at 7:00pm at The Scarsdale Congregational Church's Boynton Room. Following the film there will be a discussion with Leah Gunn Barrett, Executive Director of New Yorkers Against Gun Violence. The film is free and there is parking across from the church.
Scarsdale Congregational Church
1 Heathcote Road
Scarsdale, NY 10583
For more information, call (914) 723-2111
A Family, A Plan, A Canal: Panama
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When we canceled our ski trip in December due to the lack of snow in Vermont, we were pretty confident there would be great spring skiing. With plans to go to Okemo the week of March 19th with our two kids, we began to hesitate when the temperature reached 77 degrees on March 9. That night, my husband and I began frantically searching for flights to warm places with all-inclusive hotels with little luck. We were about to settle on a boring beach condo in Florida when kayak.com picked up some cheap, direct flights to Panama in Central America. We'd been before as a couple in 2005 and thought our six and eight-year-old kids might be up for the adventure. We had a solid eight days to read thousands of Tripadvisor reviews and plan the trip...no problema. We decided to go for it and a few days later we found ourselves and our kids in Panama.
Day 1: We awoke in our Panama City hotel to no hot 
water but a lovely free breakfast. We found our guide, Luis on a Tripadvisor forum, and he actually showed up to take us to a couple sights around the city. I was delighted to see seat belts in his car for the kids, although these proved to be the last seat belts I saw. We got to the Panama Canal (the Miraflores Locks) by 9 am, or in tourist talk, before the crowds descended. We were able to watch a container ship and a grain ship pass through the set of locks. It's fascinating. Using simple gravity, the water in the locks is lowered (or raised) 54 feet allowing ships to pass through the canal from the Atlantic to the Pacific Ocean or vice versa. Soon our bored and hot kids were ready to tour the museum and try the simulator where you captain the ship as you make your way through the canal. From there, Luis took us to the top of Ancon Hill which boasts an unbeatable view of Panama City. The bonus was seeing a sloth with her baby and some very large Golden Orb Weaver spiders. From there we caught a flight out to the Bocas Del Toro islands in northeastern Panama.
Days 2, 3, 4: A quick flight brought us into the tiny island airport and we hopped in a boat with the lodge owner. Tranquilo Bay Eco Adventure Lodge is situated on Isla Bastimentos, a paradise-like island, surrounded by coral-filled waters and home to a rainforest of flora and fauna. We were taken to our private cabana, where we applied some (provided) bug spray, and headed up the 63-foot canopy tower to bird watch. The kids were excited to see so many pairs of bright green red-lored parrots flying right by our heads. After the tenth pair of birds flew by the kids were "bored" again and we abandoned bird watching for dinner.
Our daily rate at Tranquilo Bay included food and drinks. We had a chance to mingle with the other families prior to dinner who were a lovely and interesting bunch. Ironically they were ALL from New York (Larchmont and Manhattan). Our kids were the youngest and we got a lot of "wow, that's brave" remarks about bringing our kids to Panama. While the kids were being entertained by (or possibly entertaining) the four kids who live at the resort, we ate delicious steaks and enjoyed a massive piece of chocolate cake. The owners of the lodge have four kids who are homeschooled in the mornings (free in the afternoons), and our kids really enjoyed hanging out with them.
Day 3 began with a hearty breakfast. We all loved the fresh juices especially the passion fruit juice. We met Natalia and Ramon, the two on-site guides employed by the lodge who led us down to the dock where Natalia could (hopefully) teach our kids to snorkel. They're great swimmers, but we were surprised to see how easily they picked up snorkeling. We spent the morning with knowledgeable and patient Natalia, learning about every fish we saw and then took the kayaks out to a nearby reef for more snorkeling. It was beautiful. Our daughter learned how to avoid fire coral and how to safely pick up sea urchins. We came back to the lodge for a quick lunch and went right back out for more snorkeling and kayaking, and the kids even tried stand up paddle boarding. It was a perfect afternoon. Dinner was jackfish (which both kids ate, even thought they won't even try fish at home.) Then it was dark enough to go on the spider hunt that our 6-year-old son planned with Natalia despite his mother's severe arachnophobia.
We awoke in the morning for a hike in the rainforest with Ramon, the hotel's other on-site guide. We were fascinated by Ramon's knowledge of the local environment. Every tree we passed suddenly became interesting as did every bird sound and breaking branch. We learned that termites are edible and they're actually pretty delicious. We saw a sloth in a tree with her baby and hummingbirds gleefully bathing. We saw orange poison dart frogs and male orange-collared manakin birds competing for the females by doing a mating dance on the forest floor. We learned how pineapples and cashews grow. After about an hour and a half, the kids were ready for the water so we headed out with Ramon on some kayaks across the bay and through mangrove canopies to "Jellyfish Lagoon". We hopped in the water with our snorkel gear and were amazed to see a completely different underwater scene: upside down jellyfish, moon jellyfish, spotted eagle rays, a giant snail, and a funny little purple swimming worm. We watched the sun set and the moon rise at the dock that night before dinner and once again enjoyed the thoughtful and locally sourced cuisine.
Our last morning at Tranquilo Bay, we took one last walk to the top of the canopy tower, said goodbye to the resident sloth, and went for one more snorkel and swim. Although the lodge offers many different excursions, the guides are included in the package we chose and we never felt the need to leave the grounds. After lunch we were taken by boat back to the main island, Isla Colon, and the do-it-yourself part of our Panamanian adventure began.
Days 5 & 6: Since Easter is a popular vacation week, our lodging choices for the final days of the vacation on Isla Colon in Bocas Town were somewhat limited. We ended up at a B&B called Lula's. It was just okay and if you're going to stay on the island, I recommend you look elsewhere. We self-arranged a boat tour around the Bocas Del Toro islands for the day and were put on a boat for 16 people, 12 of whom were in their early twenties and from Venezuela and drinking hard liquor at 10 AM. We were the other four. Our bilingual guide apparently forgot his English but we still had an enjoyable day seeing dolphins, snorkeling at coral key where there's coral every color of the rainbow, observing active sloths in trees, playing with different types of starfish and spending a few hours on a picturesque beach. Our Venezuelan friends turned out to be nice (though very drunk). The next morning, we took a water taxi to a local beach and hung out until it was time to get our baggage. We walked from the B&B to the airport (kids loved being able to do that) and departed for Panama City. Luckily, our Panama City hotel had a rooftop pool (for the kids) and a rooftop bar (for the non-kids). In swimsuits, our son took it upon himself to do a mosquito bite count: dad- 34, sister- possibly 1, himself- 4, mom- 78!
Day 7: Another do-it-yourself day. 
The Best Western Zen Panama Hotel, a lucky find online, had one of the most incredible breakfasts I've ever had at a hotel. Between that and the luxe pool area, there was no sign this was a Best Western except for on the actual sign. We were impressed with the service, the amenities, the cleanliness, and the location of the hotel. It was the best $85 spent on lodging and I'd almost fly back to Panama just to stay there again. We learned very quickly that in Panama, if you take a taxi from your hotel, you will be pay between 3-5x the amount that you'll pay if you walk to the corner and hail one yourself. Our daughter loved learning how to bargain (in Spanglish) so we counted the haggling as part of our adventure and had fun with it. We took a $3 (not a $12!) ride to Parque Natural Metropolitano, a protected area within Panama City limits. As a family, we took turns being the nature guide in an attempt to keep the kids interested. The amount of wildlife we saw right in Panama City was astounding. In just over two hours of hiking, we encountered monkeys, sloths, (the kind that look like they're always smiling), Jesus Christ Lizards, turtles, lots of colorful birds, agoutis, and loads ants and termites. Our kids understood a lot more about the rainforest ecosystem thanks to our guides at Tranquilo Bay.
We spent the rest of the day swimming, reflecting on our trip and marveling that we had been so hesitant to take our kids to Panama. When I asked my daughter if she preferred Disney World or an adventure trip I was very gratified to hear her answer.
