Attention Mothers: Recognize the Subtle Ways Your Children Appreciate and Reward You Everyday

Mother's Day is almost upon us. This is a special day for mothers and mother figures of all kinds, such as grandmothers, special aunts, close family friends and caregivers. Some look forward to the day with much anticipation and high expectations for the perfect "Hallmark" holiday. For some families, the day is marked by large bouquets of flowers, breakfast in bed, sparkling jewels or a day at the spa. While most women would agree that these things are wonderful, it's easy to feel disappointed if the day doesn't meet one's expectations.

Let's not forget that Mother's Day is only one day of the year, but being a mom is often "celebrated" in small ways that we usually don't recognize. Although many of us often feel unappreciated and overworked, if we allow ourselves to take a moment and reflect upon our daily lives, we will notice that children show their love and appreciation not by grand gestures, but in small unassuming ways. A smile from your son when you remember to buy his favorite cereal, the sparkle in your daughter's eyes when you say yes to a sleepover, a thank you from your teenager when you trust him to borrow the car, or a nod of thanks when your child asks your advice about a problem with a friend. These moments demonstrate that our children appreciate us in subtle ways we sometimes don't realize. When your children ask you to play or spend time with them, they are inviting you into their world, which is really what being a mother is all about.

Although baubles and bubble baths are terrifically indulgent, nothing beats the feeling a mother gets when a child asks how they can help a homeless person, clean up the environment, or assist in the community. When we see our children demonstrate kindness, compassion and good moral values, we feel as if we've done our job.

It's also important to remember that high self-esteem and feelings of adequacy about our role as "Mom" need to come from within. It's not good to rely exclusively on external validation. Self-esteem comes from the positive messages we give ourselves. Remember, we don't have to strive for perfection as mothers. By doing so, we will inevitably feel disappointed. In fact, research indicates that being "good enough" is actually essential to raising healthy and resilient children. Pediatrician, clinician and child psychoanalyst, Dr. Donald Winnicott studied mother-child interactions for decades and proposed that it is not necessary for mothers to meet the needs of their children at all times. In fact, "good enough mothering" enables children to deal with disappointment and frustration and develop good coping skills.

If you don't get the day at the spa or that sought after necklace on Mother's Day, don't be disappointed because appreciation comes in many subtle and surprising ways. It's up to us to recognize the "gifts" we receive from our children everyday. Remember, you are "good enough" just the way you are!

Licensed psychologists Dr. Karen Bergsman and Dr. Michelle Sanders are known as "Dr. Moms New York." They practice at 455 Central Park Avenue Scarsdale. Call them at 914-730-9208 to register for a free parenting seminar on Tuesday, May 14th from 10:00 am to 11:30am.