Helping Middle and High School Kids Adjust to the New School Year

The beginning of the school year has begun and you find yourself approaching the season with joyous anticipation (you can finally have lunch with your friends, get back to the gym, catch up at work, finish your spring cleaning, etc.) while at the same time experiencing a sense of gnawing trepidation. The kids are back at school! Everyoneʼs happy, right? Well...

Starting a new school year is an exciting endeavor for your middle school and/or high school child. Because your child in this age group is experiencing rapid changes in physical, emotional, social, and cognitive development, it can also be a time filled with more turbulence than previous stages of development. Kids at this stage are trying to figure out how they fit into their environment. Simultaneously, they are adjusting to dramatic body changes, hormonal shifts, and significant academic challenges and expectations. How can we help them and keep our sanity?

The goal is to help kids become self-reliant and develop a positive sense of themselves. Our task is to provide them with a framework and tools to develop the social and organizational skills they need to succeed in many situations. Not an easy mission, since we ourselves are struggling to adjust to our "new" maturing child and are often overwhelmed by the challenges presented to us. As parents, we are in a learning stage and trying to figure out a balance of when to step in and when itʼs time to let kids work things out themselves. The most important task for us as parents is to stay connected to what is going on in our childʼs life as well as to be effective in setting limits and making expectations clear.

School is not only a place for kids to learn academic skills, but it is also the main arena for kids to develop social competence. We can help children of all ages develop the skills to approach new people and initiate conversations.
Remind them that they can connect to new people by:

• Asking an open ended question such as, "What are your ideas about the science project?" or "How do you like your teachers this year?"
• Complimenting someone on something, such as "I like your backpack, itʼs so colorful" or "You are a great basketball player".
• Making a statement about something, such as "The Spanish teacher is so nice" or "I canʼt wait to go on the school trip".

Adjusting to Middle School

Children in middle school are dealing with significant body changes and there is a focus on appearance and trying to fit in with the crowd. Mood and behavior changes are observed. At the beginning of a new school year, tweens often worry about not fitting in, peer pressure, bullying, and the increased work load.

How you can help:

• At this age, there is a sense of security that comes with fitting in with the larger group. Kids may worry about their clothes, accessories, hair, etc. No one wants to stand out. Buy some age appropriate items and clothes that many of the kids have at this age.
• Have discussions about peer pressure at the beginning of the school year. Bring up situations that could arise and explore their take on various responses. Preparation can help kids feel more confident when situations arise. Share with your kids some challenges you experienced at that age.
• Normalize your childrenʼs fears about academic workloads and encourage them to prepare a work space for themselves. Help them get organized by buying a calendar to keep track of assignments and talk about time management. Have a routine for homework and make sure that kids still have time for fun.
• Although schools educate children about bullying, parents should review strategies about managing harassment. Also, teach your child to look confident and review the importance of telling someone if bullying occurs.

Adjusting to High School

Kids in this age group are particularly concerned about friendships and dating as well as increased academic expectations. Teens are likely to be very self- absorbed as they explore new relationships and behaviors. As teens begin to experiment with increased independence from the family, reliance on the peer group becomes more important. Some teens have difficulty transitioning from the carefree summer days to the more organized routine of school.

How you can help:

• Encourage teens to stay connected to you by being interested in their experiences and by teaching them that making mistakes is expected and can be a learning experience. Many teens shut down communication with parents when they feel they will not be understood. Let them know that you are available to listen and assist when they ask for your help.
• Motivate your teen to have a positive outlook on school and the learning process. Focus on the joys of learning about different topics and the satisfaction that comes from challenging oneʼs mind and being productive.
• Allow teens incremental freedom and the ability to make independent decisions regarding school and social life. Teens still need structure and guidance from parents with decision making; however, this is the time to encourage problem solving and making choices. Let them know what your expectations are regarding their behavior, but step back more than when they were younger.
• Encourage teens to join clubs or sports so they can meet people with similar interests. This validates that school can be a place where your teen can feel comfortable and have some fun. It also enhances social interaction.
• Make time for family activities. Although many teens focus on their social group, spending time with parents and siblings helps teens recognize the importance of the family for guidance, support, and enjoyment.

In summary, the beginning of the school year is something parents and children can plan for together. The above recommendations are just the tip of the iceberg. Educate yourself by reading books, attending parenting lectures, taking part in school functions, and talking to other parents so that you can prepare yourself for this exciting time and help everyone make a good adjustment to the new year.

Dr. Karen Bergsman is a licensed psychologist who has a private practice in Scarsdale and Manhattan. She specializes in cognitive-behavior therapy with school aged children, adolescents, and adults. Dr. Bergsman can be reached at 914-730-9208 or 212-592-4059.