Raising Self-Directed Teens

Adolescence is a complicated, rewarding, and challenging time for both parents and teens. As a parent, you go about your day-to-day, and at some point, suddenly recognize that your child is different – they are growing up physically, they take on distinctive mannerisms, and they talk about the world and their friends in a different, more adult-like way... and hopefully, we begin to see some of the traits that we value and have tried to instill in them as people.

As Director of Westchester CAPS (Westchester Child and Adolescent Psychological Services, PLLC), I see lots of teenagers and families. If I step back and ask myself 'what are the most important traits parents want to see develop in their children?' I would say that the ability to be 'self-directed' and 'accountable' – i.e. the ability to set goals, create a plan to achieve those goals, take ownership of the process, and follow through – are at the top of the list.

Why is this important?
Initiative, the ability to define a direction consistent with one's goals, and the capacity to organize oneself breeds success. Once our children leave home and/or enter college, we are no longer there to provide them with ongoing direction and immediate feedback. Unless they have internalized these skills and abilities, there is a risk they will flounder, get lost, or make the wrong decisions.

The challenge.
Some kids are self-directed from an early age. But many are not. If they are not, we need to teach them these qualities. Teens often have difficulty doing their homework, studying for tests ahead of time, taking the initiative to get summer jobs, etc. The college application process presents a series of hurdles. Our kids have to identify what college they want to go to, study for entrance exams (the SAT or ACT), request application materials, complete essays, file applications on time, set up interviews...the list goes on an on. Once our kids are in college, they have to decide on a major, keep up with assignments, do well in their classes, meet the right people, identify job opportunities, apply to jobs or graduate school, etc. This is a long list and a tall order.

Where do we get stuck: A case in point.
The day before I sat down to write this article, I was talking with a mom in our practice who has a 14-year old son. She relayed the following: "I don't know what to do with my son anymore. I would like him to do his homework when he comes home (from school), but he has never been disciplined in that way. At some point after dinner, I go upstairs and ask him how he is doing with his homework. His response is "I'm going to start it in a minute". Over time, I have learned that a minute could mean anywhere from 10 minutes to 2 hours. I return in 30 minutes to ask him how he is doing. His response is 'Mom, stop nagging me, I'll get it done'. I know that if I go in again we're going to get into an argument, but if I don't, he won't start his homework until later when he is too tired to learn anything. He gets decent grades, but I know he is capable of more. So I'm stuck."

In this family, mom and teen are indeed stuck. Mom has taken on the role of the enforcer - the policewomen. The minute you get yourself into this role, it's game over. Because children see you as the enforcer and the driver of responsible behavior they abdicate responsibility for things they should do and get angry at you for trying to make them do what they should be doing. In this type of situation, the very things parents are doing to fix the problem make the problem worse.

The trick in parenting teens.
The trick in parenting teens is that when children enter adolescence, you have to shift your mindset about what your child needs from you. Simply put: young children want to be told what to do. They ask questions like "when should I do my homework"; "how do I do this [math] problem"; can you help me write my essay; I don't know how to do it".

Teens want to figure out what to do on their own without being told what to do. They want to decide on their own when to do their homework, they want to pick their own friends, and they want to decide how to spend their time on the weekend.

When a child enters adolescence, a child's needs change, and we, as parents, need to change along with them. If we don't, we get stuck.

What causes this shift?
The primary developmental tasks for younger children and teenagers are very different. Younger children need to learn rules and facts. The simplest way for them to learn this is to ask someone who knows the answers. Typically, that's us. The focus in the teenage years shifts from learning rules and facts about the external world to learning about oneself - how we fit into groups, what we aspire to, what we want to do with our lives. This can't be taught by parents - we can advise, but we can't tell our child who they are as people. They need to figure out the answers to this on their own.

Another developmental task for teens is to become more independent in preparation for moving out of the house and living on their own. This requires that we allow our teenage children to make more and more decisions on their own. If we don't allow them make their own decisions (when appropriate), power struggles develop.

What do we need to do differently?
The developmental shifts that occur in our children necessitate a fundamental shift in how we operate as parents. We need to shift from telling our children what to do, to asking them what they think they should do. (Obviously there are times when we need to tell our children what to do and say "no", but the frequency with which this occurs should decrease as they get older.)

As parents of teens, one of our primary goals is to enable our children to make the right decisions on their own. The best way to do this is to learn to ask the right questions rather than to tell children what to do. For example, our teen may ask if he can go out to the movies on a school night. Option A is to say "no, that's ridiculous. How are you ever going to get up tomorrow?" This makes the child feel stupid and embarrassed for asking, and angry at the parent who said 'NO'. Option B would be to say: "What do you think? You have a test tomorrow and need to get up early. Do you think it's a good idea to go to the movies? What about going on the weekend instead?" If the child continues to insist they should be allowed to go, we can then use our parental authority and say no, but we want them to begin to use their own logic to sift through problems.

By asking the right questions we force our children to think for themselves. We force them to think about the pros and cons of a situation and what the consequences will be if they make one decision versus another. And this is exactly what we want them to do on their own when they move out into the world.

Parents mistakenly think that if they tell their kids what to do, their kids will adopt these positions and use them when they're out in the world – i.e. in college. This is often not the case. At the most fundamental level, teens often do not need answers to questions; they need to ask themselves what they think they should do. They need to have a mental process in place to sift through options and come up with the right solutions. This takes practice. If we enable this, they can utilize this skill for the rest of their lives.

What are we shooting for in our relationship with our teenage kids?
Ideally, we want to be seen as trusted advisers to our children. We have more experience than they do and we can impart some of this to them. We want them to learn to think through problems on their own, but we also want them to come to us when they don't know the answers and ask for our help. And more importantly, when we give them advice, we want them to listen.

If we are locked in a power struggle with our kids, if they feel like we are trying to control them and make decisions for them, this won't happen. At the end of the day, we become disabled in terms of our ability to foster a sense of self-direction and accountability in our children. They will not come to us for advice and we will not be able to help them course correct when they are headed down the wrong road. This is an enormous loss for a child and it can be avoided.

Rand J. Gruen Ph.D. is the Executive Director of Westchester CAPS, an interdisciplinary, outpatient mental health center providing individual therapy to children, adolescents, and adults; couple and family therapy; neuropsychological assessment; medication management, and tutoring. Dr. Gruen received his B.A., M.A. and Ph.D. in Psychology from the University of California, Berkeley. He was formerly a fellow at Yale University School of Medicine and an Assistant Professor in Psychiatry at New York University Medical Center.