Helping your Sixth Grader Navigate the Social Scene: Through Halloween and Beyond...

This column was written by Clinical Social Worker and Scarsdale resident Julie Stonberg:
Am I supposed to wear a costume to school? Am I too old to go trick or treating? Does everyone have a plan for Halloweekend but me? If you have a sixth grader, chances are you've been stumped by one or more of these questions in recent days. Halloween stress is just one of the many social transitions your new middle-schooler will face. As kids mature physically and emotionally at vastly different rates, the middle school years can be some of the most difficult socially, and you won't be able to neatly fix everything. But there are ways you can help support their entry into this brave new world.

For starters, you can help and guide them as they begin to make their own social plans. In elementary school you probably arranged after school and weekend activities for your child, including "play dates." They may have let you know who they wanted to spend time with, but you were instrumental in making it happen. As this begins to shift (for some kids earlier than others), help them plan ahead by thinking about a time they are free, for example a Friday afternoon or an upcoming half-day of school and suggest ways to approach friends, old or new. You don't have to completely step out of making plans for them but try to mix it up so they get used to doing it on their own.

Always be curious. Ask open ended questions about what their day is like. What does the cafeteria feel like? Who do you sit with usually? Do they go outside after lunch? If so what do you usually do? Ask them about the social scene in their House and in the school as a whole. Some will talk more than others, but if you know what they are struggling with you can best help them come up with solutions. I know one kid who used to head into the bathroom at lunch in 6th grade to play a game on his phone when the cafeteria felt too overwhelming. Eventually he stopped and joined the crowds, but in the beginning he needed the downtime. Lunch can also be a good time to meet with teachers for extra help, or look for a club or activity that meets during that time.

Continue to encourage new social outlets, clubs and other activities outside of school as well as inside, and model openness and inclusion. For example, if your child says "there is no one I like in my house" instead of agreeing (or worst thing: trying to change houses!) encourage them to look around and make an effort to get to know someone new.

Try not to overreact to social shifts or slowdowns. While there are a few kids who seem socially adept, the vast majority are just trying to figure it all out. Switching groups of friends is a natural occurrence throughout the teen years. In fact, if you ask most seniors at Scarsdale High School who their closest friends are, most likely they are kids from other schools who they didn't know until middle school or later, which means they all switched friends at some point!

But, if your middle schooler is your oldest, and you're coming from a tight group in elementary school (that involved your social life as well) it's natural to panic a little if it feels the winds are shifting.

If you do feel your child is being eased out of a group of friends, try not to jump to conclusions, or give in to impulses to call parents or try to force the tides to turn back. It could be that her old group is ready to participate socially in ways she is not, whether that means hanging out with the opposite sex, walking to town by themselves, or engaging with social media. It may also mean that your child is exploring a different sense of who she is, and she will need your support and positive guidance along the way. You can explain to your child that everyone goes through this type of thing, and if her social life feels slow, you can slow yours down a bit too. It doesn't mean that you can't have adult-only plans ever, but it doesn't hurt to be around a little more often on a Friday or Saturday night.

Sixth graders are still happy to watch a movie and eat dinner with their parents or play a video or board game together. If you act like it's perfectly fine to be hanging with your folks on a Friday night, they will believe that it is. If you pressure them to make plans when they may not be ready or know quite who to make them with or how to make them, they will feel like something is wrong with them. This moment between childhood and adolescence is precious and fleeting. Don't waste it worrying if they are popular!

If your child is the one moving on, talk to them about your values, which hopefully include kindness and empathy. You can validate that they may have outgrown some friendships and want to spend time with new people, but make it clear that it is not acceptable ever to be mean. Encourage them to see the old friend from time to time, and remind them that everyone is looking at everyone else for cues on how to behave. If they include people and act kind, other kids will follow their lead.

Regarding Halloween, if they seem to be struggling, ask them what they are thinking. Tell them that they certainly do not have to wear a costume to school on Monday, although many kids will, and they also don't have to dress up with a group of friends, although many will do that too. They should make a decision based on what feels comfortable to them. And if they don't have plans to trick or treat – they are definitely old enough to stay home and hand out candy - maybe they want to invite a new friend over for pizza and a scary movie. (This plan will probably cause a sigh of relief in someone else's house!)

Most likely these weekend nights with your middle-schooler at home will soon feel like a distant memory, as they head off into the land of cars and curfews and choices faced in high school social life. When you give them the space to step back and figure it out without judgement or pressure, they head into that land secure that they are loved and supported for exactly who they are by the people that matter most, and they will be comfortable in their ability to decide what is right for them.

Julie Stonberg is a clinical social worker at Westchester Family Counseling in Hartsdale, www.westchesterfamilycounseling.com.