The Grumpy Teen: Navigating Your Way Around Your Testy Adolescent

If you've ever felt like your teen was allergic to you, you'll be relieved to know that's normal. That's what a large crowd of parents learned on Thursday May 8 when they came to SMS to listen to clinical psychologist Dr. Anthony E. Wolf speak about the challenges of raising teens. Wolf should know because he is the father of two ex-teenagers and has spent a lifetime examining the psychology of children and teens. He earned a Ph.D. in Clinical Psychology from City University of New York followed by twenty-five years in
private practice, where he sees children and adolescents. He is the author of five books on parenting and numerous articles for Child Magazine, Parents, and Family Circle and currently writes a column for the Toronto Globe and Mail. Dr. Wolf has appeared on The Today Show, Fox Morning News, CBS Morning News, and The View as a teen psychology expert.

"It is a very humbling experience to be the parent of a teenager," says Wolf. It's psychologically normal for adolescents to essentially develop an 'allergy' to one of both of their parents." He continued by saying, "There is a historic change in the behavior of children with their parents. They talk back more," he added, "and are not as immediately obedient. Kids today do not respect their parents in the way they did in the past." So why is this happening? According to Wolf, kids today are more outspoken because parents are doing something right... by no longer using physical punishment to discipline their children. "The revolution in parenting today is that parents can no longer physically punish their children without potential repercussions; it's no longer acceptable. " According to Dr. Wolf, by the time kids are adolescents, they know this and it makes them less afraid of their parents. Dr. Wolf believes that parenting is truly more difficult today than in the past.

Next, Dr. Wolf gave the example of the "at home versus at school" teenager. Do you have a child that is a nightmare at home but an utter joy and delight to others once they leave the house, including at school? Do you have a child who could fight for two hours about taking out the garbage at home and then steps up to whatever is asked at her friends house?

Dr. Wolf described this phenomenon as the two different versions we all have of ourselves- the home version (or "baby self") and the outside version (or "mature self"). While the baby self at home cannot handle delayed gratification or stress, outside, the mature self can handle much more stress. "In some families," Dr. Wolf cautioned, "the parent who does all the day to day care of the child gets the baby self, and the other parent gets the mature self." He also added, "Parents can say the same exact thing and get very different results." Adults often have a baby self, too. For example, when the kids go to bed, adults often shut down and morph into their own baby selves. This is why it is so stressful when kids get out of bed numerous times after being put to bed- we feel like we're "done."

"Would you prefer that baby self come out at home or at school?" Dr. Wolf asked the audience. He quickly pointed out that, "...you can't choose this. The simple act of a parent being present brings out the child's baby self, i.e. the whining, complaining, and noncompliance."

Can you reduce the amount of fussing in your child? Dr. Wolf said yes. "Baby selves don't want stress and want everything now. When they don't get their way, baby selves will go on and on for a very long time- they can't move forward," he said. Dr. Wolf's solution to this is to tell your teen what you have to say in a fast and firm way, and then "RUN! Literally, just disengage as soon as you feel your blood pressure rising." That being said, Dr. Wolf forewarned, it's also important to choose your battles wisely.

How and why do you disengage? "Disengage by saying what you have to say and then stop," said Dr. Wolf. "Anything more is provoking and is not good for the baby self. What baby selves hate more than anything is to separate or walk away." He suggests shutting the argument down as soon as possible even if your teen calls you a nasty word. "At some point, you need to address this," he said, "but do NOT do it at this time." He argues that if you want less of the talking back, this is what will work. "Use this technique and stay consistent with it," he advises.

Dr. Wolf described adolescence as the coming together of four developmental changes at the same time: physical, intellectual, sexual, and the need for independence, "...all of which make this time a struggle." According to Dr. Wolf, teenage boys often remove themselves from family life and it can feel like a wall has descended on their parents.

Teenage girls tend to declare their independence. The climate with teenage girls is usually tenser than with boys, but Dr. Wolf said research shows that girls can be more psychologically healthy as teenagers than boys. "Boys tend to become non-communicative which is worse in many ways--- they can completely shut down," he said, "which can be worrisome."

Dr. Wolf's suggestion for day-to-day teenage grumpiness? "Joke around with them," he said. "Just be goofy and silly sometimes instead of getting mad." And always, always hug them, he added, even if they act like they hate it. "

Dr. Wolf then answered audience questions:

When my teen's "baby self" is banging at the door after I've disengaged, I feel like that brings out my own baby self. What should I do?

Continue to completely disengage.

How do you explain disengaging one child to other siblings?

That's a tough one. Don't try to justify yourself. Just say it's what you're choosing to do with that particular child at that particular moment.

Boys really do seem to shut down. How can you tell the difference between a depressed and a non-communicative, grumpy teen?

Go with you own instincts and if it continues for a long time, seek professional help.

Do teenage girls tend to have a stronger "allergy" to their mothers versus their fathers?

The short answer is YES.

What about teenage sibling rivalry? Can you teach them to disengage each other?

When a parent disengages, some teens learn to provoke a sibling.

Do you recommend going back and talking to your child after disengagement?

Yes, but wait until things are calm to discuss it.

Are there any general rules for tolerating the baby self?

If grades fall or your teen seems miserable or has no friends, that's a red flag. If a worry persists beyond moodiness, seek professional help.

According to Dr. Wolf, "...the best indicator of what child will be like when they grow up is the mature self. Don't look at one slice of your child's life," he warned. "If you're a nice and nurturing parent and take a firm stance at least some of the time --even though your children gets mad at you, the odds are strongly in your favor that your kids will turn out okay." And teens aren't teens