Authentic Parenting: Who Are You As You Parent Your Children?

Our children learn so much more from our actions than from our words. They do as we do, not as we say. The most effective way to teach our children to live according to our core values is to lead by example. I consider this to be Authentic Parenting because it is based on our true beliefs and choices. When we parent authentically there is real power in our words and actions. Consistency is natural when we know what we want to teach our children and have taken the time to decide how we intend to do so.

Think about your own core beliefs and values. What are the three most important values that you wish to pass on to future generations of your family? How can you manifest these values in your day to day life? How can you best teach them to your children?

Consider your children. Forget about the most recent parenting book that have read, and what your friends, neighbors, or people in the grocery store may think. Who is your child? What are his or her strengths, needs, and interests? How is your child wired? You know your child best. Project your family ten years into the future and consider the kind of life you hope your child will be living. Who does your child need you to be so that he can become his best self? What changes do you have to make to become that person?

Take back your true power. As parents we are the heads of our households and we have the obligation to teach our children well. Anger, frustration, and anxiety are obstacles to a peaceful family life, and they make the job of discipline unnecessarily difficult and unpleasant. Here are a few simple tools to use as you parent authentically, to help your children to recognize that you mean business while allowing you to express your love and acceptance:

Give commands to your child or children once and only once. Touch your child on the shoulder or bend down to make eye contact. Communicate with your tone that you know your child is absolutely capable of doing as told. Speak in a light, upbeat, and direct manner. Instructions are not punishment. When the task is completed successfully, thank your child sincerely, just as you might an assistant or a friend. Let your child know how happy you are with his or her behavior. State your command in the affirmative. You are not asking a question. For example, instead of saying “would you like to feed the cat, sweetheart?” say “I’d like you to please feed the cat now, sweetheart. He is really hungry.” If you face refusal, try collaborative problem solving. If the refusal continues, impose natural and fair consequences that you can confidently enforce.

Give warnings to help your children cope with transitions. Consider using a timer and set it for ten minutes before the activity will need to change. Let your child keep the timer and help them to reset it for a five minute warning. Instead of giving the warning yourself, simply let the timer do all the work. This will cut down on conflicts in your home and help your child to budget his or her time and function independently.

Clean-up is important and it is not our job to clean up after our children. Really!!! Three year-olds in pre-school clean up their toys before moving on to a new activity, and they can and should do some at home. Clean-up before transitioning on to a new activity should be non-negotiable but can still be fun. You can sing the clean-up song, set a timer and play “beat the clock.” You can help out if you like, but do not clean up for your child without his or her participation. This is an important activity on many levels. Good Luck!

One of the best ways to elicit good behavior choices in our children is to recognize it and praise our children for it specifically and sincerely as often as we can.

See the best in your child. This really works! If you are having a hard time with a particular child, take a few minutes to write down a list of what they are doing that is bothering you. Then write another list of all of their strengths and everything you love about them. If you are really angry you might not be able to come up with anything for a few minutes, but stay focused and suddenly you will be flooded with images of love and appreciation for your child. Now when you interact with your child again, keep their strengths in perspective and simply focus on calmly changing their behavior while loving and appreciating them as they are. You might even show your child the list you have made to let them know both how wonderful they are and to discuss the changes you would like to see them make.

Resist the urge to keep your children happy or satisfied all the time. Our children have the right to learn and grow through experience. For example, if you let your son win whenever you play board games because he doesn’t like to lose, your child may be denied the opportunity to learn good sportsmanship. While we have the best of intentions, we may actually prevent our own child from developing the necessary social skills for successful play dates or team sports experiences. In essence, we can create a sore loser, and set our child up for potentially painful social struggles simply because we didn’t allow him or her to experience disappointment when playing with us.

Remember who you want to be so that you can teach your child the life lessons that will lead him to become the person you want him to be in the future. We must respect ourselves and cannot allow people or situations to diminish our self-respect. Our children need to learn to respect us, which they will only do if we respect ourselves and our choices. Once we have our child’s respect, discipline becomes natural and easy. In addition, the ability to respect us allows our children to enjoy healthy relationships with authority figures for the rest of their lives. We can only command this respect if we truly believe we are deserving of it. Try to surround yourself with people who appreciate your strengths and who you truly enjoy being with. Take a good look at your life. Identify the people, activities, or situations that may be negatively impacting your self-confidence. Consider making changes accordingly. If you are really struggling, keep a daily log of your successes, using the definition of success as “accomplishing an intended task.” You will be amazed at how much you do in a day.

The key to changing our children’s behavior is to change our own attitude. Remain calm. Keep your emotions in check and stay true to your values and beliefs. Remember that you can be disappointed by your children’s actions but still love and accept them as people. Go slowly. Try not to put pressure on yourself or your child to be perfect. We don’t need to be perfect. We simply need to be our true selves.

Elizabeth Pflaum lives with her husband and four children in Westchester, New York and provides individual parent coaching to clients and their families. She offers parenting classes and workshops throughout the tri-state area, is a frequent guest parenting expert on WABC’s Eyewitness News and other television shows and writes articles about all topics relating to parenting and childhood. For more information, visit her website at: http://www.aaapparentcoach.com