The Little White Lie...A Gray Area?
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Dear Ms. E:Post: I was in a sticky situation recently and found myself telling a white lie in order to avoid an unwelcome experience. I grapple with the fact that it is wrong to lie but tell myself that it is not hurting anyone and in fact lying may spare someone’s feelings.
My sticky situation went something like this: A couple who are acquaintances asked us to have dinner. My wife and I met them through our child at the elementary school. Just like on a recent episode of the TV show ‘Modern Family’, the acquaintance wife is a loud mouth and the acquaintance husband is boring. We do not wish to spend more time with them than we already do through school events.
Is telling a little white lie acceptable to gracefully excuse ourselves from this dinner invitation? I know that some consider lying to be immoral, regardless of the circumstance. In other words, some do not view white lies on any spectrum of relevance to a situation but instead view the white lie phenomenon as a black or white issue – truth or lie, no in between.
I would be interested to know what your readers think.
Torn Between Your Heart Strings and Your Purse Strings
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Dear Ms. ePost: We are often solicited by very distant acquaintances for contributions to their pet charities. While most of these causes are of course worthy organizations in need of funds, we find it offensive to receive solicitations from acquaintances with whom we have not spoken in years or from the ‘friend’ who does not give us the time of day when he or she sees us but for some reason feels close to us when soliciting our hard earned dollars and includes a delightful, little handwritten note that may read, “This is such a worthy cause. Hope to see you at the dinner!” Please know that we are not ‘heavy hitters’ but do support our own charities of choice. Finally, we do not solicit/pressure friends to contribute to the charities in which we are involved.
We are very conflicted with regard to the manner in which we should handle the multitude of solicitations we receive. Of course in a perfect world we would like to contribute to all worthy causes but are obviously unable to do so. We would really appreciate your advice on this.
Sincerely,
Conflicted
Dear Conflicted: Your generosity of spirit is highly commendable. Perhaps you receive so many solicitations because you are a caring and giving person. But generosity of ‘wallet’ clearly differs from generosity of spirit.
You seem to have answered your own question in that you support your “own charities of choice”. In targeting causes for donations, it may be helpful to evaluate the mission of the charities and differentiate them from your relationship with the individuals who are soliciting, thus resulting in contributions to causes about which you feel strongly.
We would all like to support every worthy cause but as you stated, this is not possible. I can understand why you are torn between your heart strings and your purse strings. Perhaps you could develop a charitable giving budget and donate to causes accordingly. For those causes that do not fit in with your budget, you could consider contributing in other ways, such as volunteering your time.
Sincerely,
Ms. ePost
To Give or Not To Give ...A Holiday Question
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Dear Ms. ePost: Hanukah has always been a fun and joyous holiday for our family. We light the Menorah, sing songs, eat potato latkes and exchange gifts. When my sister’s children went off to college and could not be home to celebrate Hanukkah, my husband and I always gave gifts to all four of our nieces and nephews, whether or not they were able to attend the family Hanukkah celebration. Now that two of my three children are in college and must miss Hanukah at home, my sister and her family only give a gift to our youngest child who is still in high school and living at home.
While my children do not need gifts from my sister and her family, it seems odd that she would not give all of them a ‘little something’ for the holiday, especially when I have always given all of her children gifts – happily, I might add – and when it has been such a strong Hanukkah tradition for our family.
What is proper gift giving etiquette in this situation?
From,
The Sister of Out of Sight, Out of Mind
Dear Sister of Out of Sight, Out of Mind: Be your own person and do what is right for you, i.e. continue to give all of your sister’s children Hanukkah gifts. And wouldn’t it be a better world if everyone took the high road? Besides, you seem to derive great joy from giving gifts to your nieces and nephews.
However, I do understand your frustration, but did you ever consider that it could be a financial issue for your sister? Short of that, it is a bit odd. But as they say, “The joy is in the giving.”
Happy holidays to all!
Sincerely,
Ms. ePost
Disinvited
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Scarsdale10583 received the following letter from a distressed parent. As it was a question of etiquette, we sent it to our Etiquette Expert for her opinion. Read the letter and her response here and send in your comments below: Dear Scarsdale10583: We have a policy in place in the Scarsdale Middle School regarding Bar Mitzvah sweatshirts so that kids don’t feel badly if they are not invited to a party--maybe we should initiate a policy regarding disinviting. I don’t even need to consult an expert to explain what being “disinvited” can do to a fragile, teenage ego. I experienced it firsthand when I got the phone call letting me know that my son was “disinvited” from a Bat Mitzvah. He had already responded to the invitation and said he would be attending.
When my phone rang it displayed the name of a stationary store in Heathcote. My son’s Bar Mitzvah was two-weeks away so when they said there was a mistake made, I thought maybe it had something to do with that. The man on the phone apologized and told me that my son received an invitation he should not have received due to a mailing list error. In a state of disbelief I listened to the voice on the other side of the line that continued with “I am sorry but I need to disinvite your son from the bat mitzvah.” He told me that the family had not intended to invite him in the first place. I felt like I was on a radio show and was the recipient of a Z100 phone tap but the DJ never got on the line to tell me it was a joke. Just like that, my son was “disinvited.”
At my son’s request, the Bat Mitzvah invitation came down from the bulletin board and was placed in the trash. He felt like a loser. He didn’t want to discuss it ever again. I wanted to call her parents, but at his request, I let it die.
I toyed with the idea of calling her parents to “disinvite” her from my son’s Bar Mitzvah, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. As it turns out, the girl didn't show up to my son’s Bar Mitzvah.
So I am left with the question of, what type of people actually would “disinvite” a child instead of just placing an extra chair at a table?
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Dear Dissed: There are two sides to every story, though I can’t imagine what the other side of this story could possibly be. There is a bad apple in every bunch, and, unfortunately, it ended up in your (your son’s) grocery cart.
The only ‘out’ that one could give the family of the Bat Mitzvah child is a possible financial issue, though this is very doubtful given the fact that invitations were purchased from the stationary store in Heathcote in lieu of creating lovely, but presumably lower cost, invitations on a home computer.
Without knowing ‘the other side of the story’, there seems to be a clear and complete lack of empathy on the part of the Bat Mitzvah girl’s family. One must wonder whether the parents thought about how the “disinvitation” would make your son feel,….or how their daughter would feel if she were “disinvited” to a Bar or Bat Mitzvah, the invitation displayed on a bulletin board in her home with eager anticipation of the event.
You are to be commended for not stooping to the level of the family who disinvited your son by continuing to include their daughter in your son’s Bar Mitzvah service and celebration. But as they say, “No good deed goes unpunished.” How could this family commit a second offense two weeks after the “disinvite”, i.e., the daughter’s acceptance of the invitation to your son’s Bar Mitzvah and having you, as the host, place a chair at the table and pay for the girl’s attendance at the celebration….only to have her be a ‘no show’?
It is truly difficult to imagine – in the absence of clarifying details – that anyone, especially adults, could be so hurtful. And what are the parents teaching their daughter? Certainly not the fine lessons that you are teaching your son – to be inclusive and considerate of other people’s feelings. Let’s hope that, in the case of the Bat Mitzvah girl, the apple does fall far from the tree.
Sincerely,
Ms. ePost
Petiquette
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Dear Ms. ePost: My husband and I are both very allergic to dogs. Whenever there is a family gathering at the grandparents’ house, my sister-in-law and brother-in-law bring their dog, in spite of the fact that we have told them numerous times – between sneezes with our itchy eyes watering - that we are allergic. What constitutes correct ‘petiquette’ in this case?
Sincerely,
Gone to the Dogs (at Grandma’s house)
Dear Gone to the Dogs: If you haven’t done so already, you could try asking sis- and bro-in-law directly to please leave the dog at home. If they refuse, you have a choice: stay home, or arm yourselves with antihistamines and mountains of tissue. Kibble for thought: perhaps the in-laws value the dog’s company more than that of you and your husband.
Yours truly,
Ms. ePost
