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Written by: Stacie M. Waldman

Published: 08 February 2014

Created: 08 February 2014

Last Updated: 08 February 2014

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With Valentine's Day upon us, many have love on the mind. Whether you're in a long-term relationship, just starting a new one or searching for the right partner, it would be good to know the secrets to a good relationship. What makes love last and how should you talk to your spouse to improve communication and the quality of your relationship? Is there such a thing as a good fight?

This year, rather than buy your love a goofy bear, chocolates or an expensive bracelet, why not commit yourself to being a better partner? Scarsdale's own Laurie Puhn Feinstein, author of Fight Less, Love More: 5-Minute Conversations to Change Your Relationship without Blowing Up or Giving In and Instant Persuasion: How to Change Your Words to Change Your Life, has some expert advice on how to make this Valentine's Day more meaningful for you and your partner.

Puhn graduated from Harvard with a law degree and used her skills to launch a rapidly successful career in mediating. This led to invitations to speak about marriage and divorce on talk shows and radio programs, and she is now a regular contributor to programs such as Fox News, Good Day New York, CNN, and the CBS Early Show.

Here's what she shared on this much-discussed subject:

What is the biggest thing that couples don't know about a lasting marriage? Couples don't know that love is conditional. The people we love unconditionally are our children. No matter what they do, we will love them. But the truth is, love between partners is conditional. We expect and want to be respected and appreciated. We don't want to have to teach our partner how to do that. To be in love, certain conditions need to remain alive every day: respect, appreciation, compassion, intimacy, and cooperation. When we dated, all of these conditions were met but as time passes, what come to expect from our spouse we come to neglect. We assume the values exist so we stop saying good morning or I love you. We fail to give compliments. In fact, we did a study and found that when we asked people whether they'd prefer their spouse compliment them for being good-looking or for being kind, 83% of people chose kind. Our character is a key part of what brought us together with our spouse, and yet when was the last time you verbally recognized a deep quality in your spouse? These conditions for love are critical to feeling joy in your marriage and they live and die by the words we choose to use every day.

Then how do you communicate values when you speak to each other? It only takes a small tweak with words to revitalize values in relationships. Every couple has a communication routine. Do you wake up and say good morning to each other, or instead ask honey, did you unload the dishwasher already? Each day, do you thank your partner for the little things they do, even if they benefit from those things as well (like picking up the pizza), or do we expect and assume these things? This kind of indifference breeds neglect. Over time, it's how we end up saying things like, "I love him, but I'm not in love with him."
Another important time to choose words carefully is when we fight with each other. Disagreements are a natural, normal part of communicating and any couple who says they never fight is either lying or one of them is a doormat. But, rather than having a fight that goes on with no resolution, the goal should be to have a "good fight" that leads to a solution. A good fight is only future-focused and unites you in coming up with a solution to avoid the same problem from happening again. You don't want to have the same fight twice. In Fight Less, Love More there is more detail on how to have a "good fight." But here's a quick tip: the best solution to a fight is never one you already thought of. You have your idea, he has his idea, and you need to throw both out the window. When all parties participate in creating a resolution, they are more likely to comply.

How can I get my spouse to come around if he won't read your book? Become the coach. In the midst of a fight, you're no longer taking the bait and letting it get out of control. You're fighting the good fight and choosing your words wisely; that will, by default, encourage the other person to do the same. You married someone that you liked a lot, no matter how long ago. Without them knowing it, by practicing the skills outlined here and in my book, you're improving your own communication and his or hers at the same time.

What can I do TODAY to improve the quality of my relationship? There's something I suggest called "eyeball to eyeball love play." Grab your partner when he or she gets home from work and tell them that you are grateful for them. There's also the "follow up love play." If your spouse tells you he or she has an important meeting, make sure to follow up with them to ask them how it went whether it's by in person or by text. It's quick and easy but it shows them that you remember and care about what matters to them. Lastly, there's the "touch love play." When your partner comes home, give him a kiss. Try to touch each other more. It shows that you care about each other. Valentine's Day is about love, and it sometimes takes a more conscious effort to show it several years and/or several kids into it. Even if you show your appreciation with an expensive watch or piece of jewelry, be sure to verbalize your gratitude or include a special card as well. Everything that was extraordinary in the beginning of a relationship becomes ordinary and falls below our radar screen. We think, of course he knows I love him. I'm still here, aren't I? That assumption is exactly what leads to "growing apart" and divorce. By not greeting each other warmly at the end of a work day, we are implying that we don't care that our mate is home with us. If we stop paying attention to the expectations that were met, we become simply roommates.
I always emphasize that as a spouse, it is our job to acknowledge our spouse and appreciate them; be their head cheerleader and encourage them, respect them, cooperate with them, be intimate with them, and show them compassion. We can find reasons to deny our mate gratitude, or find reasons to give it. It takes an active decision and effort to continue to make our relationships fun and loving, and it certainly takes humility. You need to feel valued, and you need to make your mate feel valued, because if you're not the one making your mate feel valued, you leave the door open for someone else to take that role.

Do children benefit when parents learn to communicate with each other more effectively? In all the courses I teach and in the mediations I work through, I emphasize communication as key. The simple words we choose to use can make a person feel valued and respected, or not. This Valentine's Day, make a commitment to your spouse to speak more kindly and appreciate the small things he does, rather than focusing on the things he doesn't do. Your children see this and they mimic it. Mommy and Daddy had a fight but they still say good morning and I love you. It's a gift to yourself, to your marriage, and to your children to keep this in perspective when you fight.
Tell me a little bit about your book and why it would be a great read for anyone in a relationship. It's written as an easy to use, entertaining handbook to improving your marriage quickly. Couples have had excellent results after using the skills taught in the book and it is geared towards both men and women. The premise of the book is that it's logical. For instance, if you want something from your mate, ask for it; don't wait for them to read your mind. Thinking that he or she should know you well enough by now to know what you want is a plan for disaster. You can be angry that they don't know, or you can be assertive, speak up, increase your chances of getting what you want, and have a nice evening together.

Learn more about being a good partner by visiting www.fightlesslovemore.com. In addition to her books, Laurie's shares her advice at courses offered live at venues around the country and will soon debut an online virtual classroom. Happy Valentine's Day.

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Written by: Jason Miller

Published: 31 January 2014

Created: 31 January 2014

Last Updated: 31 January 2014

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On Wednesday 1/29, the Scarsdale Raiders hosted the White Plains Tigers in a game that turned ugly late in the second quarter when the Tigers pounced on the Raiders scoring 13 points to Scarsdale’s 4. Junior Joey Katz shared his thoughts on the defeat: “I thought we had stretches where we played really well, but we couldn’t maintain that high level of play throughout the game.” At first, it looked like it would be a low scoring game, with only seven total points scored after three minutes. Then halfway through the first quarter,both offenses suddenly exploded. Scoring continued back and forth with the exception of a couple of mini runs by White Plains, which were both answered by the Raiders. Even with all the scoring, the only real highlight for the Raiders was Caleb Krohn’s four-point play that cut a 19-10 Tigers lead to 19-14. At the end of the first quarter, White Plains led 21-16. Krohn did most of the scoring for the Raiders in the first quarter, but other players made their fair share of contributions.

Expecting a high scoring affair for the rest of the game, the second quarter actually started slower than the first. Scarsdale trailed in quarter scoring 4-2 at the midway point, but White Plains came out of a timeout with a purpose and dominated for the rest of the half to take a 34-20 lead into the break. The Raiders defense performed much better than they did in the first quarter keeping White Plains to just 13 points, for the quarter. However, the Tigers’ defense was too much to handle and allowed the Raiders to score a mere four points, Neither team got to the line and neither team had any standout plays in the first half.  Katz thought, “we played really well in the first quarter, scoring 16 points. Then our offense slowed a little and we weren’t executing.”

Down 14, the Raiders came out with a new energy in the second half, and in less than two minutes they scored more pints than they had the entire second quarter with a three pointer and a jump shot. The Tigers called a timeout in order to regroup and didn’t allow Scarsdale to score for four minutes as they went on a dominating 12-0 run to extend their lead to 46-25. The run forced Scarsdale to call a timeout of its own, and they scored coming out of it to end the scoring drought. The Raiders and Tigers traded baskets for the rest of the third quarter, but White Plains outscored Scarsdale 20-13 to take a demanding 53-33 lead into the final quarter. Junior reserve Zack Shulman praised the now 12-1 Tigers, recognizing that they “had a few very dominant players and we had difficulty defending them.”

The 20-point lead didn’t slow down the Tigers. They opened the final quarter on a 10-0 run in just two minutes to expand the lead to thirty points and both coaches decided it was time to empty the benches. Even though they were down thirty, the Raider reserves played as if it was a zero-zero game. They showed heart and played with a ton of energy, demonstrating to the coach that they deserved more playing time. They outscored the White Plains reserves 14-6 in the final six-minute stretch of the game, but it was too little to late. The Tigers beat the Raiders by 22 points, 69-47.

With this loss, the Scarsdale Raiders have fallen to 3-10 for the season and have lost six straight games. Instead of taking the pessimistic route, Shulman and Katz both took an optimistic view, looking ahead to five winnable games that could turn their season around and earn the squad a playoff spot.Katz described the season as “somewhat disappointing in terms of wins and losses,” but thinks the Raiders could be a dangerous team come playoff time because of some of the good signs they showed during the season.

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Written by: Joanne Wallenstein

Published: 23 January 2014

Created: 23 January 2014

Last Updated: 23 January 2014

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The Scarsdale Drama Club will present a student-directed play, "She Kills Monsters," on Friday January 24 and Saturday January 25 at 7:30 pm in the SHS auditorium. Written by Qui Nguyen the play is a comedy set in the fantasy world of a game of Dungeons and Dragons. The script addresses serious issues such as bullying and crushes in an entertaining and adventurous drama.

The show is directed by seniors Bianca Rogoff and Brianna Orrico, with assistance from sophomore Victoria Di Salvo. We spoke to Rogoff about the play, the nasty weather that closed school this week and the challenges of presenting a fantasy world within a play. Here is what she said: "This is my first experience directing and I'm loving it. It's truly phenomenal watching words on paper transform into a visual and artistic representation that the director conceptualized. It's definitely a lot of work but it's absolutely worth it. Today we had our final tech rehearsal and it was unbelievable watching the lighting, acting, and sound come together. It truly feels like a show."

She continued, "I think that the biggest challenge about putting on a show about gaming is the ability for the audience born in such a technological time to grasp the concept of what Dungeons and Dragons is. It's hard for someone who's so used to an automatic game on a screen to conceptualize what an interactive role-playing game would be like."

Will the winter storm hamper the cast? Rogoff said, "The winter storm did not actually effect the show greatly at all. We missed our second day of tech rehearsal but we made it up today and will have two dress rehearsals tomorrow instead of one. In fact, I think that we will be more than ready for this coming weekend. Steve Bogardus and the whole tech team have been more than helpful when it came to scheduling and understanding how long certain things will take. It's been phenomenal workings with them."

Castmembers include:

• Agnes: Jenna Evans
• Tilly: Megan Reynolds
• Vera: Rebecca Primoff
• Chuck: Sam Kaplan
• Orcus: Josh Ben-Ami
• Miles/Narrator: Chris D'Silva
• Lilith/Narrator: Katie Kearns
• Kaliope/Narrator: Nick Cioffi
• Evil Tina: Kimmy Rothberg
• Evil Gabbi: Alexa Winowsky
• Farrah: Caroline Donat
• Steve: Cameron Hawkins

The performances will take place at 7:30 pm on January 24th and 25th in the high school auditorium. Student and seniors can see the show for $10 and adult tickets are $20. Reserve seats here: 

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Written by: Joanne Wallenstein

Published: 16 January 2014

Created: 16 January 2014

Last Updated: 16 January 2014

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Scarsdale Adult School registration for the spring/summer semester is now open online. Printed catalogs should arrive in mailboxes by the end of this month. At more than fifteen convenient local venues, new and returning faculty will be teaching enriching day and evening courses to adults seeking to satisfy their intellectual curiosity, learn new skills, and enjoy scholarly rapport with other members of the community.
This semester at SAS includes a wide range of humanities classes on art, architecture, culture, film, foreign languages, history, literature, music appreciation, religion and writing. The range of computer, internet, mobile device, and technology classes continue to expand, as have the classes on personal organization and finance. The adult school offers recreation classes in dance, fitness, and games. Several special events, walking tours, and collaborations with museums are in store along with a few options for parent/child activities and SAT/ACT preparation for high school juniors. SAS boasts many courses in arts and crafts, cooking, photography, music, and meditation/stress reduction. Hobbies such as boating, gardening, and genealogy round out the curriculum.

To enroll for classes and view all SAS offerings, please www.ScarsdaleAdultSchool.org. Call (914) 723-2325 with any questions.